Friday, February 5, 2016

Funny Friday

Yep, it's Friday again, the entree for the main course weekend.

Yesterday's Bytes item concerned ironic deaths, so the theme for today's Funny Friday is . . .

. . . death.

Psychologists have suggested that by making jokes about death we make it less scary and easier to accept.  If so, today's Funny Friday should be considered a public service.

A warning, it does contain swearing.

Enjoy the weekend.

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 5 metres behind the first. 

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn’t stand his curiosity. 

He approached the man walking with the dog, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it? 

” The man replied, “Well, that first coffin is for my wife. ” What happened to her? ” 

The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her. ” 

He inquired further, “Well, who is in the second coffin? ” 

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. ” 

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.Then the first one asks in excitement “Can I borrow the dog? ” 

The man replied “Join the queue.”

I went to the newsagent today and said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

It was my mate's funeral this week. He was always a practical joker, and fair play, he made us laugh right to the end. Silly fucker had the coffin rigged somehow so that when it was being lowered into the ground, a tape of him saying, "Ha! Fooled you... I'm alive!" started playing. It was followed by things like, "Lads... Really. I'm not dead, let me out!"

We were all in stitches. Even the Vicar was pissing himself.

RIP Dave... Fucking legend.

My father strongly believes that you should live every day like it is your last.

That is why for the past 17 years he has been in the intensive care unit with an oxygen mask and a tube up his arse.

My mate drowned in a half empty bath tub yesterday...

and he was normally so optimistic.

I'd just like to thank all those people who have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of flowers by the side of the road. 

It really brightens up my drive to work.

I said to my wife, "Do you hear that? No one whining, moaning or complaining. The sound of silence. It's beautiful isn't it?"

And placed her urn back on the mantelpiece.

I slipped a whoopie cushion under my mother in law just before she had sat down and it let out a massive fart, it was hilarious!

Although no one else at the grave side thought it was very funny.


Corn Corner:


Why did the Angel of Death smite the firstborn of the Egyptians, but pass over the homes of the Jews? 

They were in the Non-Smoting Section!

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