Funny Friday

This is Friday, so it's time for some funnies. A mixed bag this week with a lopt of corn, not only in Corn Corner but also some in the main part that probably should have been in Corn Corner. Still, as the first Mayflower settlers in the US may have said: "You know, this corn is actually good shit!"

Enjoy, readers.

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Some humour:

I looked out of the window last night and saw a group of people gathered around a bloke who came off his motorbike so I frantically rushed over. 

"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd. 

"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed 

"No," I replied. "He's delivering my pizza." 

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I hate spelling errors. 

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined. 

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I got fired from my job at the bank today. 

A woman asked me to check her balance... 

So I pushed her over. 

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Doctor: Your DNA is backwards. 

Me: And? 

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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. 

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. 

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. 

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. 

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. 

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. 

The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!! 

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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and government paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. 

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. 

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade. 

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career." 

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Gallery:

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Corn Corner: 

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. 

Nowadays if you talk about botox nobody raises an eyebrow. 

Found out I was colour blind yesterday, 

To be honest, it came a bit out of the green. 

I saw this advert in a window that said:

“TV for sale, $10, volume stuck on full.” 

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.” 

I had a Bonnie Tyler Satnav, but it was terrible. 

Just kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart. 

My bum was sore after a curry. 

The wife said "ringsting". 

I said “Why? What will he know about it?" 

Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don’t Go Breaking My Heart".

I couldn't if I tried.

Quote for the Day

D Day - 74th Anniversary

I was going to post something yesterday about D-Day, which took place on 6 June 1944, but unfortunately it slipped my mind.  Still, better late than never.

By the way, have you ever wondered what the D stands for in D-Day?  It simply stands for "day." The designation was traditionally used for the date of any important military operation or invasion, according to the National World War II Museum. Thus, the day before June 6, 1944, was known as D-1 and the days after were D+1, D+2, and so on.

D-Day was the name given to the Allied invasion of Europe, the beginning of the end of WW2.

Following are photographs of the D-Day landings and the invasion, with commentaries, from:  https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/6452692/d-day-pictures-colour-world-war-2-normandy-landings-british-soldiers/

  

U.S. troops from the USS Joseph T. Dickman wait to disembark from their landing craft as they approach Utah Beach on June 6 1944

A craft from the USS Samuel Chase lands troops of the US Army First Division on Omaha Beach

Glider pilots take the opportunity for a quick cigarette as they are crowded onto a landing craft

Royal Marines descend from landing craft with their heavy backpacks, weapons and equipment on Juno beach

American troops arrive on a Normandy beach in a lengthy procession from their landing crafts

British troops show their true grit as they help injured comrades onto Sword Beach

The astonishing scale of the invasion can be seen in this image taken of the American forces arriving on Utah Beach

US Army Fourth Infantry Division troops take a breather after making their way onto Utah Red Beach

British Airborne Pathfinders check their watches on the night before the invasion

Reinforcements arrive by sea to bolster U.S. troop numbers on the Normandy front

The USS LST-21, manned by the U.S. coastguard unloads British Army tanks and trucks onto a Rhino barge in the opening hours of their invasion of Gold Beach

Troops load U.S. LSTs with artillery equipment, vehicles and troops in Brixham, England before they head for Normandy

Nazi General Erwin Rommel inspects defences ahead of D-Day. On the actual day of the invasion he was away from the front celebrating his wife's birthday

German troops camouflage a Panzer VI Tiger tank with undergrowth in the Normandy village of Villers-Bocage

Members of the 22nd Independent Parachute Company, 6th Airborne Division attend a briefing ahead of the D-Day invasion

Troops establish a radio communications post after landing

US infantry after being parachuted into Normandy.  No, I can't make that stick, that's John Wayne in the film about D-Day, called The Longest Day.

US soldiers hitting Omaha Beach at Normandy.  Nahh, that's not real either, that's Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan, another D-Day flick.

Remember, the first 16 pics are the real thing, young men with families, wives, girlfriends, parents, with hopes, dremas, aspirations.  Many didn't return.  Spare a thought next year when it's the 75th aniversary of the D-Day landings.

                     

Quote for the Day

More Big Things in Oz

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The Big Prawn 

Ballina NSW 

In 2009, Ballina Shire Council voted to allow the demolition of the Big Prawn, but this permission was never acted upon. Bunnings Warehouse purchased the site in 2011 and refurbished the Prawn as part of the redevelopment. The prawn now sits on a stand next to the entrance of the Bunnings Warehouse carpark. 

The original Big Prawn was built in 1989 on top of a service station by brothers Attila and Louis Mokany, from Hungary, who developed service stations around NSW and decided to build big things to help attract road trippers to their business. The sculptures they built were a tribute to the main industries in each town. Goulburn got a big Merino ram, Taree a big oyster and Ballina got a big prawn. It was built to commemorate the local prawn industry but curiously was built without a tail. 

When it was to be demolished, thousands signed a petition to retain it. Bunnings listened and refurbished the prawn at a cost of $400,000. That’s one shrimp you don’t throw on the barbie. 

The big prawn being moved in 2012 to its new position. 

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The Big Rabbit Trap 

Albert, NSW (Albert is located in about the centre of NSW, 140km west of Dubbo). 

The Big Rabbit Trap adorns the top of the Rabbit Trap Hotel. It was constructed in 2013 and is the 

It is the brainchild of pub owner Neville Owen in an attempt to boost tourism to the town. The population of Albert is 11. 

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The Big Rocket 

Moree, NSW 

The Big Rocket was launched in 2009 during the International Year of Astronomy and the 40th anniversary of the first manned moon landing. It contains two slides and a space-themed command centre playground. 

Am I the only one who thinks that it looks suggestively like something else? 

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Big Rubik’s Cube 

Maroubra, NSW 

A cement cube painted as per a Rubik's Cube on top of a storm water drain on Maroubra Beach. Rumour has it that the concrete block was painted overnight by local artists. If so, it is in need of some maintenance . . . 

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The Big Spider 

Urana NSW (Urana is located near the southern border of NSW, near Jerilderie). 

The Big Spider (named "Not so Itsy" by the artist) was created by Andrew Whitehead, a nearby resident of the town. The spider commemorates the local football club, who were, for many years, known as the Spiders, and is built from a range of materials – including a wash tub and a hot dog muffler. 

Spiders creep me out, especially if I see a big Huntsman on the ceiling above my desk or bed, particularly when I am in it. 

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The Big Sundial 

Singleton, NSW 

This is a 25-foot high sundial presented as a gift from Lemington Mine, to honour the occasion of the Australian Bicentenary. At the time of its creation, it was recognised by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's largest sundial, and still lays claim to being the largest one-piece sundial in the Southern hemisphere. 

(When something isn’t the biggest in the world, we like to make the parameters smaller by referring to it as being the biggest in the Southern hemisphere.) 

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The Big Tennis Racquet 

Barellan, NSW 

The Big Tennis Racquet erected in the Evonne Goolagong Park, Yapunyah Street, Barellan, was unveiled in October 2009 during the Barellan Centenary celebrations, as a tribute to the former Barellan local and great Australian tennis player, Evonne Goolagong Cawley. The completed racquet is an exact 20:1 scale model of Evonne's battered wooden signature Dunlop racquet. 

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The Big Trout 

Adaminaby NSW 

Designed by Andy Lomnici, the Big Trout is located in the town of Adaminaby, near Lake Eucumbene in the Snowy Mountains. Opened in 1973, the trout is built from fiberglass over a steel frame. Needless to say, Adaminaby is a popular trout fishing spot. 

In 2012 the work was repainted to celebrate the centenary of the Snowy River Shire. 

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Big Ugg Boots 

Thornton, NSW 

Mortels Sheepskin Factory is home to The Big Ugg Boots. These big ugg boots are 13 times the size of a women's US size 8 ugg boot. 

The Big Ugg Boots were erected Monday 20th April 2015. On Tuesday 21st April 2015, the Hunter Region was ravaged by the equivalent of a category 2 Cyclone. This storm brought devastating winds and rains to the region. The Big Ugg Boots, constructed from fibreglass and steel, weighing approximately 600 kilograms each, remained strong and fast despite the conditions immediately following their erection. 

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Big Wine Cask 

Mourquong, NSW (Mourquong is located on the Murray River just over the bridge from Mildura, Victoria). 

Located at the Constellation Stanley winery, as of December 2013 it is no longer there. The building is but it has been painted out. Sad in that Oz invented the wine cask. The process for packaging 'cask wine' (box wine) was invented by Thomas Angove of Angove's, a winemaker from Renmark, South Australia, and patented by the company on April 20, 1965. In 1967, Australian inventor Charles Malpas and Penfolds Wines patented a plastic, air-tight tap welded to a metallised bladder, making storage more convenient. All modern wine casks now use some sort of plastic tap, which is exposed by tearing away a perforated panel on the box. 

BTW:

Australian artist Norton Flavel inflated 'Bulk Carrier' on the waterfront of Cottesloe Beach in Perth, Western Australia, created for the 2014 Sculpture By the Sea:

Thought for the Day