This is Friday, so it's time for some funnies. A mixed bag this week with a lopt of corn, not only in Corn Corner but also some in the main part that probably should have been in Corn Corner. Still, as the first Mayflower settlers in the US may have said: "You know, this corn is actually good shit!"
I looked out of the window last night and saw a group of people gathered around a bloke who came off his motorbike so I frantically rushed over.
"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed
"No," I replied. "He's delivering my pizza."
I hate spelling errors.
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
A woman asked me to check her balance...
So I pushed her over.
Doctor: Your DNA is backwards.
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and government paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Nowadays if you talk about botox nobody raises an eyebrow.
Found out I was colour blind yesterday,
To be honest, it came a bit out of the green.
I saw this advert in a window that said:
“TV for sale, $10, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
I had a Bonnie Tyler Satnav, but it was terrible.
Just kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart.
My bum was sore after a curry.
The wife said "ringsting".
I said “Why? What will he know about it?"
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don’t Go Breaking My Heart".
I couldn't if I tried.