Friday, June 29, 2018

Funny Friday

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The World Cup being played at the moment sets the theme for today's Funny Friday: sport.  Hopefully there are some giggles, chuckles, if not belly laughs, in the following. . . 

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Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." 

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. 

“I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. 

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. 

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" 

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me." 

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Harry walked over to the priest after services, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s just out of the question.” “Oh Harry, Harry,” said the priest, putting his arm around Harry. “Don’t you know? That’s what recorders are for.” Harry’s face lit up . . . “You mean I could record your sermon?” 

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Football consists of 22 men on the field desperately in need of a rest, and 40,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise. 

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. 

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. 

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. 

"What are those?", asks the attendant. 

"They're called tees" replies Tiger. 

"Well, what on the God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. 

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. 

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything." 

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A woman arrived at a party. 

While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. 

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." 

"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" 

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'." 

"What’s your name?” she asked. 

He answered "B. J. Titsengolf." 

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The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it." 

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The Germans are out of the World Cup. 

Don’t mention the VAR 

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Last time Germany got knocked out of the World Cup in the group stages was in 1938 and we all know how well they took that... 

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Quickest German exit from Russia since 1945. 

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Corn Corner: 

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Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street. The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer. The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “Wow, that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.” “Well”, the other man said, “I was married to her for 35 years.” 

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My wife said that I'm hopeless at mending electrical appliances. 

Well, she's in for a shock. 

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My wife threatens to leave me if I don’t stop my obsession with corny film dialogue. 

I’ve got a bad feeling about this. 

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