Words that have different meanings to men and women:
Communication -- n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
Vulnerable -- adj.
Female: Fully opening one's self emotionally to another person.
Male: Playing football without adequate protection.
Commitment -- n.
Female: A desire to marry and raise a family.
Male: Not hitting on other women while out with this one.
Entertainment -- n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
Thingy -- n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Remote control -- n.
Female: A device for changing one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every five minutes.
Flatulence -- n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
From John P:
TEXT MESSAGE TO NEIGHBOUR:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make.
I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this.
The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse.
The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out and noticed that the Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh?
It’ll be the death of us all.