Friday, December 4, 2020

Funny Friday

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We are now in December, doing the countdown to Christmas so today’s FF has a Christmas flavour. 

Stay safe and well, readers. 

Caution: risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR: 

‘Twas the night before Christmas and it was all going to shit. 
Mrs. Clause was PMS'ing and the elves had all quit. 
Rudolph's nose had gone out, not a soul had any glee. 
An angel asked, "Hey Fatso, where shall I put this tree?” 
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Teacher to Student . . . 

T: "Use the word 'centimetre' in a sentence." 

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimetre” 

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please.” 

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!” 
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The teacher asked the class to use the word "harassment" in a sentence. 

After thinking for a long time, Lamar put up his hand and said: "I'm still sad that my girlfriend and I split up. Harassment a lot to me." 
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On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know? 

I need to borrow some chairs 
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At our office Christmas party I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me... 

"Because they make the toys." 
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“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” 

- Henny Youngman 
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When I was a child Santa gave me coal one year for Christmas, so I poisoned his cookies and milk. 

Somehow he found out and killed my dad! 

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FROM THE VAULT: 

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field. 

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. 

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. 

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. 

He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered... 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK: 

A superbly crafted limerick . . . 

This limerick goes in reverse 
Unless I'm remiss 
The neat thing is this: 
If you start from the bottom-most verse 
This limerick's not any worse 

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GALLERY: 




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CORN CORNER: 

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day . . . 

Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’. 
________________ 

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... 

They could not settle on a name, until it hit them! 

They named him Ravi O. Lee 
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Went to the therapist to conquer my fear of palindromes. 

The jerk put me on Xanax. 
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What generation does Forrest Gump belong to? 

Gen A 
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I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour 

‟No way. That's impossible!” she said. 

‟Trust me,” I said, ‟I have no idea where our baby is.” 
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I have two optometry jokes 

but I am not sure which one is funnier . . . 

One or two? 

One or two? 

One or two? 
________________ 

My girlfriend told me to throw out my Meatloaf CDs. 

I told her that I would do anything for love but I won't do that. 

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Thursday, December 3, 2020

Thought for the

 


Poetry Spot

Most people would remember Laurence Binyon, if they know him at all, as the writer of the poem “For the Fallen”, commonly known as “The Ode”: 

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: 
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. 
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, 
We will remember them. 

Binyon was a prodigious poet, below is another of his poems. Until I read the poem, it hadn’t occurred to me that one can consciously and deliberately create and store memories, like photographs in an album . . . 

How to Make a Memory 

by Laurence Binyon (1869-1943) 

The rain was ending, and light 
Lifting the leaden skies. 
It shone upon ceiling and floor 
And dazzled a child’s eyes. 
Pale after fever, a captive 
Apart from his schoolfellows, 
He stood at the high room’s window 
With face to the pane pressed close, 
And beheld an immense glory 
Flooding with fire the drops 
Spilled on miraculous leaves 
Of the fresh green lime-tree tops. 
Washed gravel glittered red 
To a wall, and beyond it nine 
Tall limes in the old inn yard 
Rose over the tall inn sign. 
And voices arose from beneath 
Of boys from school set free, 
Racing and chasing each other 
With laughter and games and glee. 
To the boy at the high room-window, 
Gazing alone and apart, 
There came a wish without reason, 
A thought that shone through his heart. 
I’ll choose this moment and keep it, 
He said to himself, for a vow, 
To remember for ever and ever 
As if it were always now.

Tuesday, December 1, 2020

Thought for the Day

 


Readers Write and Brett’s Monthly

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READERS WRITE . . . 
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Bruce:

I received an email from accountant Bruce R, following the Funny Friday jokes about accountants. Bruce has been asserting that the common depiction of accountants as dull, humourless people lacking in personality and who get turned on by calculators and spreadsheets is far from the reality and the truth. 

Here is Bruce’s email, which followed Funny Friday . . . 

Otto, 

I dreaded today in the expectation of a severe lambasting to me and my profession. Alas, is that the best you can do! I think we come out of it as caring, precise individuals who happily try to make the lives of those we care about more enjoyable. Why it was only last night when I was feeling romantic that Shane [Bruce’s wife. Otto] asked me to tell her about what happened during the day. Strangely after about an hour or so she asked me to stop as she needed sleep. Ah, for the good old days of romance! 

Regards 

Bruce 

Thanks, Bruce. 

I stand corrected and will henceforth look at accountants in a new light. 

________________ 

Wayne:

Byter Wayne B, a man of few words, sent me an email: 

Love the history. More please 

Wayne b

Thanks, Wayne, will do. 



_______________ 

Sue:

Sue P also gave a brief comment in response to the post about unkillable people, one such person being Tsutomu Yamaguchi, who was nuked at Hiroshima, travelled to Nagasaki with his wife and children and then was nuked again. He survived and became a spokesperson for peace. 

Sue’s email: 

Brilliant story re Yamaguchi San, thank you Otto. I must have missed it first time around. 

Thanks, Sue 

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Robyn:

Robyn T commented on the post about 6 year old racial discrimination victim Ruby Bridges: 

Hi Otto 

Thank you for the timely reminder about the story of Ruby Bridges. The more things change the more they stay the same. How far has the US actually moved on from that momentous day, when one considers the latent racism whipped up by that loser Trump? 

The depiction of the event by Norman Rockwell is one of my favourite paintings of all time. 

cheers 

Robyn 

Thanks Robyn. 

I know that some readers are pro-Trump and will object to the above description. Anyone disagreeing with Robyn can send me an email. 

Whatever one’s outlook, everyone must agree that it is sad and wrong that a 6 year old child had to be accompanied to school by armed US Marshalls to protect her from hate and harm, as much as it was/is to place children behind razor wire in detention centres in Australia. 

Ruby Bridges’ mother passed away last month, the following article being from TMZ at:


CIVIL RIGHTS ICON'S MOTHER DEAD AT 86 

11/11/2020 


Lucille Bridges, who made a historic walk with her 6-year-old daughter, Ruby Bridges, in 1960 -- into a segregated New Orleans public school -- has died. 

Ruby announced her mother's passing Tuesday night ... calling her a hero and "Mother of the Civil Rights Movement." Lucille's cause of death is unknown but Ruby paid a touching tribute to her saying, "Today our country lost a hero. Brave, progressive, a champion for change. She helped alter the course of so many lives by setting me out on my path as a six year old little girl." 


Lucille -- who gave birth to Ruby the same year as the landmark decision of Brown vs. Board of Education to end racial segregation in schools -- is memorialized alongside Ruby in Norman Rockwell's famous painting, "The Problem We All Live With" ... which shows Ruby carrying her school supplies as U.S. Marshals escort her. 

When the NCAAP requested Ruby attend the all-white William Frantz Elementary School as a first-grader in 1960 ... Ruby's father, Abon Bridges, was reluctant. But, according to the National Women's History Museum, it was Lucille who insisted because she wanted Ruby to have the education she herself missed out on. Lucille walked Ruby to school every day amid hateful and racist rhetoric spewed in their direction. 

New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell said, "Lucille's strength was unbounded during this period. Lucille insisted, seeing the action as an opportunity to help all Black children, and walked Ruby, with federal marshals, past chanting and taunting white protesters and to the schoolhouse. Mother and daughter both revealed their character and courage." 


Rockwell's painting came back into the spotlight during the run-up of the presidential election ... with an adapted version showing now Vice President-elect Kamala Harris walking with Ruby's shadow cast on a white wall. The painting's been dubbed "That Little Girl Was Me." 

Ruby wholeheartedly approved the image saying, "I am Honored to be a part of this path and Grateful to stand alongside you, Together with Our fellow Americans, as we step into this Next Chapter of American History!" 

Lucille had 5 children. Her husband died in 1978. 

She was 86. 

RIP 
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I have deliberately not posted photographs of the protests against Ruby Bridges when she was 6 because of the hateful nature of the protests and signs, and in the belief that society has moved on from there. Anyone who wants to see what it was like for Ruby, click on: 


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BRETT’S MONTHLY: 

As we enter December and count down to Christmas, Brett has (as usual) sent his list of the month’s special and wacky days . . . 

Thanks Brett. 

Click on the daily ones to expand each event.

December, 2020 Daily Holidays, Special and Wacky Days:

December 1

 Eat a Red Apple Day

World Aids Awareness Day

December 2

 National Fritters Day

December 3

 National Roof over Your Head Day

December 4

 Santa's' List Day - we hope you are on the "Nice" list

 Wear Brown Shoes Day

December 5

 Bathtub Party Day

 Repeal Day - The 21st Amendment ends Prohibition. I'll drink to that!

December 6

Bartender Appreciation Day - in Europe

St. Nicholas Day

Mitten Tree Day

Put on your own Shoes Day

December 7

International Civil Aviation Day

Letter Writing Day

National Cotton Candy Day - would you like some fairy floss?

Pearl Harbor Day

December 8 

National Brownie Day

Take it in the Ear Day

December 9

Christmas Card Day

National Pastry Day

December 10

Human Rights Day

Nobel Prize Day

December 11

National Noodle Ring Day

December 12

National Ding-a-Ling Day

Poinsettia Day

 December 13

Ice Cream Day

International Children's Day - Second Sunday in December

Violin Day

December 14

International Monkey Day

National Bouillabaisse Day

Roast Chestnuts Day

U.K. National Postal Worker Day

December 15

Bill of Rights Day

National Lemon Cupcake Day

December 16

National Chocolate Covered Anything Day

December 17

National Maple Syrup Day

December 18

Bake Cookies Day

National Roast Suckling Pig Day

December 19

Look for an Evergreen Day

Oatmeal Muffin Day

December 20

Go Caroling Day

December 21

Crossword Puzzle Day

Forefather's Day

Humbug Day

Look on the Bright Side Day

National Flashlight Day

Winter Solstice - the shortest day of the year, date varies

December 22 

National Date Nut Bread Day - or September 8!?  

December 23

Festivus - for the rest of us

Roots Day

December 24

National Chocolate Day

National Egg Nog Day

December 25

Christmas Day

National Pumpkin Pie Day for recipes see Pumpkin Nook 's Cookbook

December 26

 

December 27

Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day

National Fruitcake Day

December 28

Boxing Day - date can vary

Card Playing Day

December 29

Pepper Pot Day

December 30

Bacon Day

 National Bicarbonate of Soda Day

December 31

Make Up Your Mind Day

New Year's Eve

Unlucky Day

Brett


Sunday, November 29, 2020

Quote for the Day

 


Unkillable . . .

The following article is a reprint from Cracked a very entertaining website, at: 

By the way, a rando can mean a person one does not know or can also be short for “random".

5 Randos That Proved To Be Unkillable When Faced With Certain Death 

By 
Nathan Williams 

November 24, 2020 

No one will fondly remember 2020. But we made it ... so far. Perspective is important, though, as things could certainly be a helluva lot worse. We mean being tortured, irradiated, or repeatedly drowning worse. Death comes for everyone, but these guys told it to try again later ... 

5 
Arthur John Priest - History's Most Accursed Mariner 

Tending the furnace, the backbone of steam-powered ocean travel, kept English stoker Arthur John Priest in frequent demand. The job had obvious risks, but coal dust in his lungs would be the least of Priest's concerns. 

This particular "fireman," born with a target on his back, was assigned to the Titanic. You know those hundreds of computer-generated floating extras in the background at the end of the James Cameron movie? One of those blurry human ice cubes (not to be confused with the human named Ice Cube) was Priest. By the time he made it out of the boiler room, they were fresh out of rafts and life vests as "Safety standards" was a nebulous concept in 1912. 


Shrugging off hypothermia, Priest went right back to work. And, what do you know, it happened again ... and again again ... and then one more time for good measure, just in case Priest still had any lingering hopes this whole "of the sea" thing being the right career path. 

His second doomed ship was the merchant vessel Alcantara, which had been commandeered into military service during WWI ... until being sunk by a German raider. Priest's next assignment brought him back to where things started: on the Titanic's sibling, the HMHS Britannic ... and off it when the hospital ship went down after hitting a mine. His final sinking, the SS Donegal, was like a bad combo sequel of the previous two -- a hospital ship slammed by a German torpedo. After that, along with some other close calls and collisions along the way, Priest finally quit his regular gig (probably to the relief of every other sailor wishing to avoid sharing a boat with him) and died an uneventful death on land in 1937. 

4 
Tom Tuohy - The Man Who Was Immune to Radiation 

In 1957, Tom Tuohy was the general manager of Windscale, a notorious nuclear facility in England. And if you never heard his story, well, that's hardly shocking, as the UK government did their best to cover up what transpired. 

When a fire broke out, engulfing sections of the reactor/nuclear weapons complex, Tuohy took on the unenviable task of extinguishing it. He ordered his crew to lower him near the core to monitor the reactor shell for signs of an imminent explosion. There was no precedent for handling such a problem, leaving the manager writing the game plan on the fly. He had two options: vent the gas, contaminating the countryside to avert a pressure build-up, OR douse the radioactive hunk with water and risk it exploding and taking out Northern England, transforming Windscale into a desolate exclusion zone for hipster urban explorers wearing Supreme caps. Thankfully, Tuohy guessed correctly. 


England dodged a calamity while Tuohy was bombarded by a prolonged, concentrated blast of radioactive dust to his face so toxic that all of the cow's milk produced within a radius of 200 miles was disposed of as a biological hazard. Yet, somehow, the Englishman lived to the ripe age of 90, showing no visible long-term effects of his being irradiated. If a diet of gelatinized eel, pork pies, and 79 different things called "puddings" can't kill you, nuclear fission doesn't stand a chance. 

3 
Rahmat Saiful Bahri - Lived Through Two Freak Tsunamis 

2004 marked one of the deadliest natural disasters in recent history, with the Indian Ocean Tsunami (the result of a 9.1 earthquake) ravaging Indonesia, India, Myanmar, Sri Lanka, and Thailand. Almost a quarter of a million people died, many of whom were never found. 

One of the survivors was Rahmat Saiful Bahri. The same can't be said for his friends and neighbors, who succumbed to the rapidly spreading tsunami that ambushed them, leaving swathes of Indonesia devastated. The wave was so powerful and spread so far that mountains were wiped clean of vegetation, roads disappeared, temporary lakes appeared out of nowhere, and 30-ton ships wound up stranded miles inland. 

In 2018, Bahri had rebuilt his life, reasonably assuming one traumatizing nightmare per lifetime was sufficient to meet his quota. Feeling tremors while visiting Palu, Bahri was subjected to a tidal wave, this time while he was in the shower. Settling for just a lather and rinse, saving repeat for another time, Bahri sprang to action. Knowing from first-hand experience that an earthquake often precipitates a wave, Bahri moved his family to the highest ground available -- now fully aware he was on Mother Nature's hit list. The 10-foot wave ripped apart the Indonesian city, forcing Bahri to witness his life flash(-flooding) before his eyes twice. 

2 
Armando Soccarras Ramirez - The Luckiest Hitchhiker in History 

Cuba was no paradise after Fidel Castro seized power, leading to 17-year-old Armando Ramirez being so determined to get the hell out of Cuba he decided to take a flight. 

One tiny problem: He could not secure travel outside of the nation. Armando and his pal, Jorge, concocted an all-or-nothing gamble that they knew the authorities of Havana's Jose Marti Airport could never have imagined. Hopping a fence, they jumped on a taxiing Iberia Airlines plane, tying themselves to the landing gear. As you guessed already, a DC-8 wheel well is a terrible place for a number of reasons besides the deafening noise and risk of having limbs crushed by hydraulics. 


On its way across the Atlantic to Madrid, the airliner reached a height of 29,000 feet, with the temperature dropping to -41 degrees F. What he lacked in common sense, Ramirez made up for in fortitude, outlasting the cold, air pressure, and lack of oxygen. Ramirez walked away just with a minor case of frostbite, unlike his friend who got wheeled away with a major case of dead AF. The Cuban ex-pat eventually reached America after recovering for a couple of months, no doubt wondering if it would have been quicker and safer to just swim. 

1 
Werner Gustav Doehner - The Boy Who Escaped The Hindenburg 

The child of a drug company exec, Werner Gustav Doehner, enjoyed the majestic sights of the ocean as he returned to Mexico City in 1937. Along the way, his family's blimp stopped off in a routine landing. However, this dirigible was no ordinary flight. It was the Hindenburg. Yup, that Hindenburg. 

Settling the moorings at a New Jersey airfield, a fire from a static electricity build-up sparked the hydrogen fuel. Doehner recalled the balloon abruptly tilting backward and then the very air igniting with the hydrogen leaking into the fuselage. At a height of about 180 feet, the balloon was now on fire and plummeting headfirst to the Earth as occupants gasped to stay conscious. 

8-year-old Doehner experienced a bout of extreme good fortune. He was small and light enough to be tossed out a window by his mother, his older sibling not so lucky. Hitting the ground with limited injuries despite the fall, the boy scampered away with a head start that many others weren't afforded. Avoiding the superheated gases, tons of metal, jagged glass, and debris raining down all around him, his tiny limbs hauled ass to escape the choking fumes. The Hindenburg was rendered a pile of warped metal and smoldering ashes in about the same time as a TV commercial: 


Doehner passed away in 2020, the last survivor of the Hindenburg. Despite his claim to fame, he kept his mouth shut until 2018, staying far from the spotlight and foregoing book deals and TV movies, staving off panic attacks every time he laid eyes on his grandkids' Led Zeppelin concert tees. 
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Bytes By the Way: 

Another person who should be in the office list, perhaps even the leader of it, is Tsutomu Yamaguchi, who died in 2019 and who was the subject of a past Bytes item, at: 



The same comment applies to his two friends and a select group of others who experienced the same horror and survived.

Yamaguchi San had a claim to uniqueness that few others had and, depending on your point of view, he was either one of the luckiest, or unluckiest, individuals from WW2. Tsutomu Yamaguchi was nuked at both Hirsoshima and Nagasaki but lived to talk about it, or rather not talk about it since nuke survivors in Japan were shunned.

Yamaguchi was only 3 kilometres from Ground Zero in Hiroshima when the Enola Gay dropped the nuke, nicknamed “Little Boy”. Yamaguchi saw the plane and saw the bomb descend by parachutes, then a flash and he was knocked down. The blast temporarily blinded him, destroyed his left eardrum and badly burnt his upper body and half of his face. 

He managed to make his way to an air raid shelter and then to his shipyard, where he found colleagues also alive. He and two such colleagues, Akira Iwanaga and Kuniyoshi Sato, elected to return together to their homes… in Nagasaki. 

Two days after Hiroshima was destroyed, Yamaguchi reported for work in Nagasaki. Yamaguchi obviously had a strong work ethic and may not have heard of taking a sickie. 

According to Yamaguchi, just after 11.00am, he was telling his employer what had happened in Hiroshima and what the blast had been like. His employer was incredulous and refused to believe that Hiroshima had been destroyed by just one bomb. Then there was a repetition of the enormous flash he had experienced earlier and "the whole office, everything in it, was blown over". 

A second B-29, Bockscar, had dropped an even bigger atom bomb, dubbed "Fat Man". It killed 70,000 people. 

Yamaguchi, who was again only 3 kilometres from the centre of the blast, was saved by being shielded by a reinforced stairwell. His bandages were blown off but he was able to make his way home where he found his wife and son safe. He was ill in a shelter at his home for weeks, unable to attend the hospital in that it no longer existed. 

The full story is worth reading, click on the above link.