Funny Friday

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Another day of japes, jokes and funnies butm be warned, there is risque content ahead . . .

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Some humour . . .

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

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The President is walking out of the white house and heading towards his limo, when a possible attacker steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be attacjer and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous, I meant to shout.....

"Donald, duck!"

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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

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President Trump walks into a local bank in Washington to cash a cheque. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:

"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Trump:

"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Donald Trump, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:

"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Trump:

“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:

"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Trump:

"I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque. I need to buy a gift for Melania for Valentine’s Day"

Cashier:

"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”

“Another time, Roger Federer came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Trump:

Trump stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier:

"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

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From the vault . . .

A man walks into a bar after a long day at the office. On his way in, he sees a man sitting there wearing extravagant clothes, with the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. As he approaches the bar he notices the man has an extremely small head, which is made worse due to the disproportionately large scale of his body.

The two start chatting and the muscular gentleman notices that the other man keeps eyeing his comical cranium, so he opens up.

“By now I’m guessing you’ve noticed the difference between my tiny skull and huge body...”

“No... I hadn’t realised until you said something,” replied the first man sheepishly.

“Let me tell you a story. About five years ago, I was on a trip to the Middle East and came across a magic lamp. Upon inspecting the lamp, the most beautiful genie you can image appeared and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I asked for 50 million dollars... with the snap of a finger a full truckload of money appeared before me! For my second wish I asked to have the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. Another snap of the finger and voila! I’m jacked without stepping foot in a gym once in my life.”

“What was your third wish?” asked the first man.

“Well, to be brutally honest I had been a broke, fat slob my whole life prior to getting my first two wishes. I saw how gorgeous the genie was and asked her to sleep with me, but she told me that this would be impossible as genies don’t have genitals. So I said, ‘How ‘bout a little head?’”

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Limerick of the Week:

There was a young fellow named Sweeney,

Whose girl was a terrible meanie,

        The hatch of her snatch,

        Had a catch that would latch,

She could only be screwed by Houdini.

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Corn Corner:

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"