Friday, April 24, 2020

Funny Friday


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Son Thomas and daughter in law Jessica have started raising bees.  I don’t know how many head they have but last week they had their first honey harvest . . . 







It had me wondering whether there was any humour associated with bees, surely there must bee, I thought, and there is, so today’s theme is  . . . bees.

However, bee prepared, there are a lot of groaners ahead, as well as some risque content.



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SOME HUMOUR . . .

A bee keeper walked into a bee store and asked the person at the counter for twelve  bees.

After walking out of the store, he noticed that he's been given thirteen bees.

He walked back in and said “There has been a mistake, you’ve given me thirteen bees.”

The shopkeeper said "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie."

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I'm holding a bee in my hands. What is in my eye?
Beauty

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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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A lady golfer ran into the clubhouse screaming “I’ve just been stung by a bee!” ...
“Where?” someone asked.
“Between the first and the second holes” she screamed.
The instructor replied “I think your stance may have been a little wide.”

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I’m thinking of buying a beehive, five chickens and a rooster.
That way...
...I can get my honey for nothing and my chicks for free.

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A couple of non-bee ones . . .

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Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.

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To those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war, you are being called to sit on the couch and watch Netflix. You can do this.

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I'm worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota
I think he might have a car owner virus.

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FROM THE VAULT . . .

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she was very attracted to him. During her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.

"What that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Tarzan use hole in tree!"

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and pointed to her privates.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .

Some introductory notes about bees . .

The lifespan of a honey bee depends on the type of bee it is. Drone bees (male bees hatched from unfertilized eggs) live for around eight weeks.  There are hundreds in the hive but drones serve no purpose except to mate with the queen.  A bit like Prince Phillip.  Sterile worker bees are female, 20,000 to 80,000 per hive, and live for up to six weeks during summer and five months or more during winter. However, the queen bee, the only fertile bee in the colony, can live for several years. About a week after a new queen emerges from her cell, she goes on several flights in order to mate with as many as 20 drones. After the queen bee returns to lay her eggs, she will rarely leave the colony. Thereafter, the queen bee lays between 1,000 and 2,000 eggs a day inside the hive (she has enough sperm stored in her sperm pouch to enable her to fertilize her eggs for the rest of her life) (ewww!). If the queen bee fertilizes the egg, that egg will become female – a worker bee or a queen bee. However, if the queen bee does not fertilize the egg, it will become a male drone bee.

A bee’s life only looks fun,
Buzzing about in the sun,
Making honey all day,
No fun, sex or play,
In six short weeks their life’s done.

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GALLERY . . .




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CORN CORNER . . . 

Before becoming pop stars, the Bee Gees used to be professional chefs.
You could tell by the way they used their wok.

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Why do bees spend all of winter in the hive?
'Swarm.

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If you're ever bothered by a swarm of bees, then stand still and stare at them.
Because seeing is believing.

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I was woken last night to what I thought was the onions in my fridge singing a Bee Gees song...
But when I went to look it was just the chives talking.

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My friend said I was bad at spelling. I disagreed, so he challenged me to a spelling bee.
I excepted.

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I used to be a beekeeper, but my wife demanded that I either leave her or the bees because she had so many stings.
At first I didn't think she was serious.
Then I saw her face.
Now I'm a bee-leaver.

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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

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Thanks for explaining the word "throng" to me in this time of social distancing.  It means a lot.

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