FUNNY FRIDAY

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Happy Easter Byters.

A few Easter jokes to get things rolling.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Wife: "What are your plans for Easter?"

Husband: "Same as Jesus."

Wife: "What do you mean?"

Husband: "I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday."

Wife: "Awesome, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."

Husband: "What do you mean?"

Wife: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"

Husband stayed home all Easter.

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Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday and rose on Easter.

What are the odds?!?!

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I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny.

I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you."

He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did he eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own fucking business."

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At the Easter morning services the pastor of the Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

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Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it.

He runs around to the far side and tries again.

Again he’s beaten back.

Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody Matthew makes it to the cross.

“Yes lord what do you have to tell me”

Jesus replies “I can see your house from up here”

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbours were Catholic.... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,

"You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat as he chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

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Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the Pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the Pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"

The Pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yeah, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"

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A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptised them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Famous poem rewritten as a limerick . . .

I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud

There once was a poet named Will

Who tramped his way over a hill

And was speechless for hours

Over some stupid flowers

This was years before TV, but still.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't get any eggs for easter.

His secretary asked him: "Does this mean you hate easter now?"

He said: "Nah. I still love easter baby".

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

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I spent $300 on a limo and just found out the fee doesn't include a driver.

I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'

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