Bytes

Friday, November 5, 2021

FUNNY FRIDAY

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Hello again readers.

It's Friday, so some humour time.

Today's theme is money, hence it's also Money Friday.

Enjoy.

Caution: there is some risque humour ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realised that I only had a $50 bill.

I took it out and asked myself, “Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?”

I decided I did, so I put the money back in my pocket and kept walking.

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You know what we should do to all those people who soak up government money and don’t work for it?

Kick them outta office!

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My local service station started charging money just to put air in your tyres.

When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "That's inflation for you".

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At birth, success is being alive.

At age 3, success is not pooping in your pants.

At age 10, success is having friends.

At age 16, success is having your learner’s permit.

At age 20, success is having sex.

At age 30, success is having money.

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having your driver’s licence.

At age 80, success is having friends.

At age 85, success is not pooping in your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

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A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

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I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.

I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.

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A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

Later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly.

He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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LAW SPOT:

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

“Yap” is a real place, a small group of islands in the west Pacific.

One form of pronunciation of "interstices" is inter-steas.

There was a young lady from Yap

Who had acne all over her map.

But in her interstices

Lurked a far worse disease

Commonly known as the clap.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you require?", the genie boomed. "I just want to get better," little Benny replied.

"Very well," said the genie. "But on one condition: as per the custom of my people, you can never shave your face. If you do, you will be turned into a Persian urn."

Little Benny eagerly agreed, and the genie disappeared. When little Benny went to the doctor again, he was shocked to see that Benny had completely recovered.

Years go by. Benny has grown up and gotten married. All this time, he had kept his word, and never shaven once. However, it was beginning to get to him. It was hard to sleep at night because of the heavy beard and the itching.

One night, he decides he has had enough and grabs a razor to shave. His wife tries to talk him out of it, but he doesn't listen.

As soon as the razor cuts a single hair, he transforms into a large Persian urn.

The moral of the story?

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

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My girlfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

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The World Health Organisation announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

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If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs

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Breaking news:

Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.

They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.

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Thursday, November 4, 2021

AMAZING BRAIN STUFF

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The following item was emailed to me by friend and colleague Tony Z. Thanks Tony.

Must have been a pisser at school, TZ, when things were called or distributed alphabetically.

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This really is amazing!

I think you'll enjoy it.

This is not a test - just a phenomenon.

All readings are explained.

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Read out loud the text

inside the triangle below.

More than likely you said,

"A bird in the bush“

and........

if this IS what YOU said, then you

failed to see that the word THE is

repeated twice!

Sorry, look again.

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Next, let's play with some

words.

What do you see?

In black you can read the word

GOOD, in white the word EVIL

(inside each black letter is a white letter).

It's all very physiological too,

because it visualize the concept that good

can't exist without evil

(or the absence of good is evil ).

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Now, what do you see?

You may not see it at first, but

the white spaces read the word optical,

the blue landscape

reads the word illusion.

Look again!

Can you see why this painting

is called an optical illusion?

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What do you see here ?

This one is quite tricky!

The word TEACH reflects as

LEARN.

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Last one……..

What do you see?

You probably read the word

ME in brown, but.......

when you look through ME you will

see YOU!

Do you need to look again?

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Test Your Brain..... .….

This is really cool.

The second one is amazing so

please read all the way though.

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ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F" in the

following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE

RESULT OF YEARS OF

SCIENTIFIC STUDY

COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF

YEARS...

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go back and try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process

"OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.

It will drive them crazy.!

And keep them occupied

For several minutes..!

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More Brain Stuff

. . . From Cambridge University.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod

aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan

mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at

Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers

in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is

taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit

pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and

you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not

raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod

as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Wednesday, November 3, 2021

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

REMEMBERING HEROES

I mentioned yesterday that today would be the start of a new series looking at the Australian VC winners, those whose names flash past on blue signs at rest stops on the way to Canberra.

The road and those rest stops are part of the Remembrance Driveway.

This is by way of introduction to that series.

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Some facts:

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The Remembrance Driveway is a road and memorial system of arboreal parks, plantations, and road-side rest areas that provide a living memorial in honour of those who served in the Australian Defence Forces in World War II, the Korean War, Malayan Emergency and the Vietnam War, and who continue to serve around the world.

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The most prominent feature of the driveway are a series of rest areas dedicated in honour of the Australian Victoria Cross recipients from World War II onwards.

Victoria Cross for Australia

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The Remembrance Driveway starts in Macquarie Place, Sydney, and follows the 320-kilometre (200 mi) Hume Highway, Hume Motorway, a small section of the Old Hume Highway, and Federal Highway between Sydney, the state capital of New South Wales, and Canberra, the national capital, where its end is at Remembrance Park, adjacent to the Australian War Memorial.

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The Remembrance Driveway was instituted in 1954 when Queen Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh marked the beginning of the Driveway by planting two plane trees in Macquarie Place.

The spades used by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness The Duke of Edinburgh to plant the first trees for the NSW Remembrance Driveway to Canberra in Macquarie Place, Sydney. The spades and a collection of photographs are located in Sydney Town Hall.

One of the trees succumbed to the weather in 2020:

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In 2002 three Red Spotted Gums were planted by the Governor-General in the Remembrance Park, behind the Australian War Memorial, Canberra to mark the Canberra end of the Driveway.

Location of the Dedication Plaque and three Red Spotted Gum trees marking the end of the Remembrance Driveway.

The Remembrance Driveway in Canberra, from a view on the steps of the Australian War Memorial. Parliament House and Old Parliament House in the distance.

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Tuesday, November 2, 2021

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

"The Melbourne Cup"

by Slim Dusty

There's a bustle in the city, there's excitement in the scrubs

There's a drone of rowdy voices in every Aussie pub

For a year we've all been waiting and we've put our money up

And we're out to back the winner of the famous Melbourne Cup

There's a pause in all production for our minds are on the race

And it's time that all our worries are forgotten for a space

And the women cease their talking, turn the radio well up

And with whip and spur they're waiting for the starting of the Cup

And the TAB's are crowded and the punters rush and push

They've held a sweep in every pub in city and in bush

Then a mighty cheering follows as the barrier goes up

And there's a thousand jockeys spurring every race there in the cup

The first Tuesday of November, every year it is the same

Every Aussie heart is beating with excitement of the game

For they bet on dream or fancy or the forms they've followed up

From a dollar up to thousands on the famous Melbourne Cup

There are millions who have never even sat upon a horse

Whether it be yarding cattle or racing on the course

And it's doubtful if they'd even know the way to saddle up

But they take a lot of beating when they're racing in the cup

Now the famous race is over for another hopeful year

There's a lot of smiling faces and there's others shedding tears

There's a battler made a fortune, and a wealthy man hard-up

But win or lose they're waiting now for next year's Melbourne Cup

Oh that's right

There's a bustle in the city, there's excitement in the scrubs

There's a drone of rowdy voices in every Aussie pub

And the battler makes a fortune, and a wealthy man hard-up

But win or lose they're waiting now for next year’s Melbourne Cup.

Hear Slim sing it by clicking on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGub_vZOMsM

THE MELBOURNE CUP, 1942

Due to Covid restrictions, border closures, lockdowns and health issues, we have not been able to visit Kate’s dad, Noel, since February 2021. When the borders opened yesterday we drove to Canberra to catch up with him and spend some time there. It was good to catch up, he is also happy at the end of lockdown so that he can resume his daily routine of a trip to the shopping centre for coffee, hellos, catch ups and shopping. He is a young 94.

For those not aware, the highway to Canberra is part of a drive called the Remembrance Driveway, in honour of those who served in the Australian Defence Forces in World War II and subsequent wars or conflicts.

It includes rest stops named after winners of the Victoria Cross, the highest and most prestigious award of the British honours system, awarded for valour "in the presence of the enemy". Until 1991, the UK awarded the Victoria Cross to Australians. From that year Australia determined its own Victoria Cross awards, a part of the Australian Honours System commenced in 1975.

The drive to Canberra, the fact of the Melbourne Cup today and thinking about the VC winners whose names flash by at rest stops got me to thinking, both about a past post about a 1942 Melbourne Cup and about the people behind the names on the rest stop signs.

I am reposting the item about the 1942 Melbourne Cup, below, with an update.

Tomorrow will begin a new series, Remembering Heroes, about VC Winners and those after whom the rest stops are named.

From Bytes, Tuesday, November 2, 2010:

Melbourne Cup 1942

In 1942 the Melbourne Cup was won by Colonus, ridden by H McCloud, trained by F Manning and owned by L Menck.

War was on Australia’s doorstep with Darwin having been bombed in February of that year. Interstate travel restrictions were in force for both people and animals, the result being that the 1942 Cup was contested only by Victorian horses. Colonus won by 7 lengths. For the years 1942, 1943 and 1944 a cup was not presented. Instead, in keeping with the theme of austerity, the winner was given a £200 Austerity Bond. The race was known as the Austerity Cup.

In the hellish Sandakan prisoner of war camp in Borneo in 1942, a place far beyond austerity, the race was still known as the Melbourne Cup and the trophy was still a cup.

The person who made the improvised 1942 Melbourne Cup from a bully beef tin in the Sandakan camp is unknown. Below the 1942 date is another metal plate with the year 1943, the same cup having been used the following year at Sarawak.

The following extract is from the Australian War Memorial website:

This improvised Melbourne Cup was made at Sandakan prisoner of war camp in North Borneo in 1942. Deciding to mark Melbourne Cup day with their own race, the Australian officers at the camp set up a straight track, for nine or ten entrants, between the officer’s huts. Each track was divided into thirty squares and each competitor wore a coloured top of some kind to represent jockey’s silks. Drawing a number from a deck of cards to determine their position on the track, a race caller then proceeded to draw cards which determined how many squares each jockey could advance. The first to reach the end was the winner and was presented with the ‘Melbourne Cup’. In October 1943 the officers were transferred to Batu Lintang prisoner of war and internee camp at Kuching in Sarawak. This camp had a parade ground and in November that year the officers built a circular track and competed for the Melbourne Cup again, using the same method. At both events bookies took bets and evidence from the 9 Military History Field Team which collected the cup from the barracks in 1945, suggests that Lieutenant William Peck, of 4 Anti-Tank regiment, won the cup on at least one occasion and possibly both years.

https://www.awm.gov.au/collection/C138611

As you enjoy the day and the race, perhaps at a party, with friends or in your office, take a moment to reflect on another Melbourne Cup in a prisoner of war camp 79 years ago.

Update:

In 2015, the Melbourne Cup and a replica of the above 1942 POW Melbourne Cup was displayed in Sabah, Malaysia, as part of the Emirates Melbourne Cup tour. Included amongst the Australians accompanying that tour was a survivor of the Sandakan POW camp at the time, Lt Leslie Bunn “Bunny” Glover, who was present when the POWs ran the 1942 Cup event.

Following is an article about the 2015 events and greater detail about those in 1942, from:

https://www.pressreader.com/malaysia/the-borneo-post-sabah/20150815/281754153054926

PoW recalls Melbourne Cup day in S’kan camp

The Borneo Post (Sabah)15 Aug 2015By Chok Sim Yee

Thirty seven Australians, including a 94-year-old former prisoner of war (PoW) and family members of PoW, are in Sabah for the Emirates Melbourne Cup 2015 tour in conjunction with the 70th anniversary of the Sandakan Memorial Day today.

The Australians have brought along with them a replica of the Melbourne Cup 1942 made at Sandakan PoW camp in North Borneo in 1942.

The Melbourne Cup horse racing event is an icon of Australian sporting and social history which was first held in 1861.

Sandakan PoW camp survivor Lt Leslie Bunn Glover, who is better known as ‘Bunny’, said the improvised Melbourne Cup day sweepstakes was organized by the entertainment group of the PoW in November 1942 to raise funds for hospital needs.

Bunny, a PoW for a year in Sandakan and two years in Kuching, said 1,500 Australian PoW came from Changi to Sandakan as part of B Force to build an airfield for the Japanese in July 1942. Their numbers were added by another 1,200 plus PoW.

“Almost everyone was killed or died there. 99.5 per cent died and the 0.5 per cent came out alive.”

Bunny suffered a broken neck in the prison camp and has spent the last 45 years receiving physiotherapy treatment twice weekly.

“A guy hit me on the back of the neck but I was a champion boxer and I ducked quickly.”

He said the full blow of the impact would have killed him, and he ended up with a broken neck which he had to straighten very slowly using an improvised brace.

Today, Bunny lives in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia and is a father of five children. He also has six grandchildren and a great-grandchild.

In the early days as PoW, Bunny recounted that Sunday was allowed as a non-work day for the camp to be cleaned and prisoners to get treated for damaged bodies.

“On these days entertainment was sometimes permitted – concerts, choirs, lecturers and church services.

“In 1942, we decided to have a Melbourne Cup race, which was called the Sandakan Melbourne Cup and we had a sweepstake,” he said when sharing about the history of the Melbourne Cup 1942 during a cocktail reception hosted by Sabah Tourism Board (STB) here on Wednesday.

In the improvised Melbourne Cup race, a sweepstakes was held by selling tickets, with winning tickets allocated a ‘horse’ in the race. Men stood in as substitute for the horses. On a rest day the event took place, horse numbers were picked from a bag, allowing them to advance until the finish line 50 paces away.

Tickets were sold at five cents for three pieces; the prisoners were paid about 20 cents a day. The funds went to the hospital, while the Cup winner received 15 per cent and the Melbourne Cup trophy, second place three per cent and third place two per cent.

The improvised Melbourne Cup 1942 trophy was made from a kitchen Bully Beef tin.

“On that day, the feeling was exciting, just like being at a Melbourne Cup day at home,” Bunny recounted.

On October 1943, the prisoners were transferred to Batu Lintang PoW and internee camp in Kuching Sarawak. This camp had a parade ground and in November that year, Australian officers built a circular track and competed for the Melbourne Cup again, using the same method.

“Lt Bill Peck won the Cup and he took it home to Melbourne.” The Melbourne Cup 1942 was later donated to the Australian War Memorial in Canberra.

As it was not possible to take the original Melbourne Cup 1942 to Sabah, Bunny’s son, Michael, who is the president of the Queensland Sandakan PoW Family and Friends Association, has made an exact replica of the Cup, which he graciously donated to the Sandakan Museum.

“It will rest in good company and be near those souls of the deceased PoWs who took part in the 1942 Melbourne Cup race event but never made it home.”

Looking back at the PoW days, Bunny believed that the Australians’ good sense of humour and strong mateship have helped the Australian PoW survived more than others.

“No British people survived. Those who survived were Australians, we have a very strong spirit and good sense of humour.

“We laughed at things. Even when serious things happened, we still found something to laugh at.”

Leslie “Bunny” Glover with the replica 1942 PoW Cup presented to the museum. The copy was made by Leslie’s son Michael who is the president of the Queensland Sandakan POWs Family and Friends Association. Leslie Glover, 94, was the last surviving Australian POW in Sandakan camp during World War 2.

http://oliviamiwil.blogspot.com/2015/08/melbourne-cup-honour-for-museum.html