Hello again readers.
It's Friday, so some humour time.
Today's theme is money, hence it's also Money Friday.
Caution: there is some risque humour ahead.
I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realised that I only had a $50 bill.
I took it out and asked myself, “Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?”
I decided I did, so I put the money back in my pocket and kept walking.
You know what we should do to all those people who soak up government money and don’t work for it?
Kick them outta office!
My local service station started charging money just to put air in your tyres.
When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "That's inflation for you".
At birth, success is being alive.
At age 3, success is not pooping in your pants.
At age 10, success is having friends.
At age 16, success is having your learner’s permit.
At age 20, success is having sex.
At age 30, success is having money.
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 60, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having your driver’s licence.
At age 80, success is having friends.
At age 85, success is not pooping in your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
"Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.
"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
I know a guy who is asking for money to invest in Happy Days collectibles.
I told him no. I think he is running a Fonzi scheme.
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
Later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly.
He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
“Yap” is a real place, a small group of islands in the west Pacific.
One form of pronunciation of "interstices" is inter-steas.
There was a young lady from Yap
Who had acne all over her map.
But in her interstices
Lurked a far worse disease
Commonly known as the clap.
Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.
As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.
When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.
"What is it that you require?", the genie boomed. "I just want to get better," little Benny replied.
"Very well," said the genie. "But on one condition: as per the custom of my people, you can never shave your face. If you do, you will be turned into a Persian urn."
Little Benny eagerly agreed, and the genie disappeared. When little Benny went to the doctor again, he was shocked to see that Benny had completely recovered.
Years go by. Benny has grown up and gotten married. All this time, he had kept his word, and never shaven once. However, it was beginning to get to him. It was hard to sleep at night because of the heavy beard and the itching.
One night, he decides he has had enough and grabs a razor to shave. His wife tries to talk him out of it, but he doesn't listen.
As soon as the razor cuts a single hair, he transforms into a large Persian urn.
The moral of the story?
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
My girlfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
The World Health Organisation announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.
Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs
Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.
They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.