Friday, November 26, 2021

FUNNY FRIDAY


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Son Thomas and wife Jess had a baby a few days ago, their first and our first grandchild. A beautiful bonny boy.

So there is some baby humour thrown in the mix in today’s Bytes, none of the scenarios applying to them, I hasten to add.

Caution: risque humour ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers licence and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "Licence and registration, please, I think you’re drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:" I have no idea!"

Officer: "So, you're drunk."

Me: "But I didn't drink anything."

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?”

Me: "A motorcycle."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me: "So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer: "A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

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Woman chatting over the backyard fence in England (this is better if you imagine this in English accents) to her pregnant neighbour . . .

Woman: “So is your husband going to be there at the birth?”

Neighbour: “Ooh, I don't know why he should, he wasn’t there at the conception.”

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Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

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A pharmacist walks back into his shop after taking a break.

He finds a man leaning against a wall and asks his assistant “What’s wrong with him?”

“He came in for some cough syrup”, explains the assistant, “but I couldn’t find any so I gave him laxatives instead.”

“What!” exclaims the pharmacist, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

“Of course you can.”, the assistant says. “Look at him, he’s far too scared to cough.”

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."

The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photocopier."

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Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

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Two men are arguing and shouting while a crowd gathered to watch. A by-stander asked a small boy, "What's going on here?"

The boy replied, "My father and our neighbour are arguing."

The by-stander asked, "Which one is your father?"

The boy answered, "That's what they're arguing about. "

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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar and, one day. the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile.

"I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face"

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From the vault . . .

A young and busy Melbourne barrister had been taking his summer holidays at a remote Tasmanian holiday resort. Last year he was finally successful in seducing the resort owner’s beautiful 19 year old daughter. He was thus anticipating with excitement coming back to the resort.

When he got of his car he noticed, to his surprise, his lover with a small baby on her lap.

“Kim, why didn’t you write or phone me when you found out you were pregnant? I would have rearranged my court schedule and would have flown here as soon as possible. You know I care for you and we could have got married, and the baby would have my name.”

Kim replied: “Well, when I told my parents that I was pregnant and that you were the father, we had a thorough discussion about what I should do. We all came to the conclusion that it would be far better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

On a maiden a man once begat
Triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat.
‘Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She hadn’t a spare tit for Tat.

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RELIGION SPOT:

The three wise men were visiting the little baby Jesus.

As Melchior leans over to get a closer look at the infant he bumps his head on the roof of the manger and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"

Mary looks up and says, "I like it, I was going to call him Irving".

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GALLERY:

Some funnies from Leo . . . 





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CORN CORNER:

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Two cows . . . .

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer (now annoyed): Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one's mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It's also mine

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Last month, I gave half of my salary to charity.

That's probably why my wife found out about her.

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My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son...

but I don't think lizards make very good pets for babies.

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