Welcome to Funny Friday and some humour to introduce the weekend. Enjoy readers but there are some risque and some non-PC items ahead so proceed at yown risk.
Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.
So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.
Telling a joke is like cheating on someone.
Trying to explain it just makes it worse.
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
I bought a Jehovah's Witnesses advent calendar today.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
If you are a really excellent fisherman and you do it all the time they call you a master fisherman…
But, what if you are only really good at baiting the hook?
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."
"You there Boss?"
This guy walked into a bar and shouted for all to hear, “Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
A man in the back of the bar stood up and shouted back at him “I take exception to that statement and I resent it greatly!”
The first guy said “Are you a lawyer?”
The man responded “No, I’m an asshole!”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
From moi . . .
Christmas, that time of Yule cheer
Is once more just about here.
Hope twenty twenty two
Will be better for you
Twenty one was an effing crap year.
Some visuals sent by John P, thanks John . . .
Roger was a simple man but everyone in town knew him.
For many decades he worked alone at his picture framing store, Abbott's Framing, which was on Main St. and he would often sit outside on a chair, chatting with many of the locals. One day old Roger passed away and they held his funeral under a big oak tree with a large framed picture of him sporting his friendly old smile.
A curious lady pointed at the picture and asked, "Wait, I don't get it.. Roger was the only one in town who knew how to properly make a picture frame."
"That's true," said her husband, "but what do you mean by that?"
"Well," she wondered, "Who framed Roger Abbott?"
A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man’s supper and began whining and jumping up at him. “Do you mind if I throw him a bit?” said the man to the lady. “Not at all,” she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.
What did their parents say when they heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going to get married?
Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.
I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.