THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

FUNNY FRIDAY

-------☹😊☹-------

-------☹😊☹-------

SOME HUMOUR:

__________

After my dad died, I went to his favourite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

__________

A man decides to take a trip one day.

He packs his bag with some spare clothes and snacks, and he heads to a local monastery to see what wisdom they have to share with him. He crosses rivers and climbs a mountain to find it. When he finally arrives, they let him in. The monks show him to a guest room. There he unpacks, prays, and sleeps.

When a loud bell awakes him early the next morning, he looks out his window, only to see a large bear in the courtyard chasing one of the monks. Unbelieving his eyes, he rushes to open his bedroom door to go down stairs. Outside his door sits another giant black bear. Slamming the door shut, he falls to his knees, trembling. Suddenly he hears footsteps in the monastery, walking, then running up the stairs. Claws scratching at wood. Then the thumping and clawing move farther away, back down the stairs. Afraid to open the door, the man goes back to he window, where the abbot of the monastery is now sitting peacefully in the courtyard.

"Excuse me," he calls out, "what was that all about?"

"My son," replies the abbot, "we all have our own bear to cross."

__________

A 60 years old millionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.

After the honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage.

After a few drinks, the millionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 year old hottie.

"It's simple," the millionaire boasts, "I faked my age".

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy, she is sensational, what age did you tell you are?" a friend asks.

With a smile on his lips the millionaire responds "85 years old".

__________

I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently they aren't familiar with the reverse psychology approach

__________

A classic oldie recycled . . .

President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all dishevelled.

"What happened to you?" asked Putin.

"Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Putin.

The driver replies, "I'm president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig."

-------☹😊☹-------

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

-------☹😊☹-------

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,

Who's been coxing the varsity crew.

In the shell Sue is great,

But her boyfriend's irate,

When she calls out the stroke as they screw.

-------☹😊☹-------

CORN CORNER:

__________

Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.

It was VIVID.

__________

A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday.

But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.

__________

My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

__________

The above is like the Bob Newhart comment:

They all laughed when I said I was going to become a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now.

__________

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it.

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings

__________

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

-------☹😊☹-------

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

MORE ANECDOTES ABOUT PEOPLE

__________

On a visit to Israel as Mayor of West Berlin, Willy Brandt was invited to view the great new Mann auditorium in Tel Aviv.

Having expressed his appreciation of Israel’s naming the concert hall for Thomas Mann, the German writer, Brandt was politely corrected by his host.

The hall was actually named for a certain Frederic Mann of Philadelphia.

“What did he ever write?” exclaimed Brandt.

“A cheque,” came the reply.

__________

Most martial art films are sped up to make fighting scenes appear fast, but not Bruce Lee’s.

His moves were too fast to be captured on the regular 24 frames per second film – so they had to film him at 32 fps, and run the film slower so you can see his moves…

__________

Charles Darwin attended Edinburgh University in hopes of becoming a physician like his father, but soon abandoned the idea because he couldn’t stand the sight of blood. So he decided to study divinity instead and become a rural cleric, which would fit his hobby of being a naturalist just fine

__________

In the 1880s, an impressive, ambitious, and very intelligent European physician studied a relatively new substance about which very little was known. The substance was cocaine. At that time, it was perhaps somewhat dangerous but apparently not unethical to take a drug yourself or to give it to your friends. When the physician took the drug himself, he experienced its amazing and memorable effects. He felt so much more alert, stronger, energetic, powerful, and even euphoric. He was totally taken by it all. Because the stimulant effects of cocaine were so opposite to the depressant effects of alcohol, he thought it could be an antidote to alcoholism, and he recommended that an alcoholic friend or friends take cocaine. They also were surprised by its pleasing and exciting properties. Unfortunately, as time went on, those taking cocaine realized that it too was addicting. How unexpected. They did not solve a problem; they only added a new problem. Eventually the physician referred to cocaine as the “third scourge of mankind,” after alcohol and opium.

The physician’s name was Sigmund Freud.

__________

English theoretical physicist, Paul Dirac was watching Anya Kapitza knitting while he was talking physics with Peter Kapitza. A couple of hours after he left, Dirac rushed back, very excited.

“You know, Anya,” he said, “watching the way you were making this sweater I got interested in the topological aspect of the problem. I found that there is another way of doing it and that there are only two possible ways. One is the one you were using; another is like that. . . . “

And he demonstrated the other way, using his long fingers. His newly discovered “other way,” Anya informed him, is well known to women and is none other than “purling.”

__________

British conductor Sir Thomas Beecham was traveling in a nonsmoking compartment on a train belonging to the Great Western Railway. A lady entered the compartment and lit a cigarette, saying, “I’m sure you won’t object if I smoke.”

“Not at all,” replied Beecham, “provided that you don’t object if I’m sick.”

“I don’t think you know who I am,” the lady haughtily pointed out. “I’m one of the directors’ wives.”

“Madam,” said Beecham, “if you were the director’s only wife, I should still be sick.”

__________

In the summer of 1941 Sergeant James Allen Ward was awarded the Victoria Cross for climbing out onto the wing of his Wellington bomber 13,000 feet above the Zuider Zee, to extinguish a fire in the starboard engine. Secured only by a rope around his waist, he managed not only to smother the fire but also to return along the wing to the aircraft’s cabin.

Churchill, an admirer as well as a performer of swashbuckling exploits, summoned the shy New Zealander to 10 Downing Street. Ward, struck dumb with awe in Churchill’s presence, was unable to answer the prime minister’s questions. Churchill surveyed the unhappy hero with some compassion.

“You must feel very humble and awkward in my presence,” he said.

“Yes, sir,” managed Ward.

“Then you can imagine how humble and awkward I feel in yours,” said Churchill.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

“Nobody with that awful wife and those ugly children could be anything but normal.”

- Gore Vidal

FROM THE VAULT: ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (ELVIS LAUGHING VERSION)

From Bytes

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Are You Lonesome Tonight? was written in 1926 and has been covered by various artists since that date. Even Al Jolson recorded it in 1950. Elvis covered it in 1960. He was reluctant but was persuaded by his manager. Colonel Tom Parker, it being one of the Colonel's wife’s favourite songs. Colonel Tom was on the money: the single hit No 1 and stayed there for 6 weeks.

The lyrics are terribly cheesy:

Are you lonesome tonight?

Do you miss me tonight?

Are you sorry we drifted apart?

Does your memory stray to a bright sunny day

When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?

Do the chairs in your parlour seem empty and bare?

Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

I wonder if you’re lonesome tonight.

You know someone said that the world's a stage

And each must play a part.

Fate had me playing in love you as my sweetheart.

Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance

You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue

Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange

And why I’ll never know.

Honey, you lied when you said you loved me

And I had no cause to doubt you.

But I’d rather go on hearing your lies

Than go on living without you.

Now the stage is bare and I’m standing there

With emptiness all around

And if you won’t come back to me

Then make them bring the curtain down.

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

All of this is introduction to the clip I want to introduce to you.

In 1969 Elvis was doing a gig in Vegas when he reached the point in his act for singing Are You Lonesome Tonight? He had a solo backing singer, Kathy Westmoreland.

When Elvis got to the lyrics “Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?”, he changed them to “Do you gaze at your bald head and wish you had hair?”

At this point he also saw a bald man in the audience and began laughing, although there are also stories that a bald man in the audience took off his toupee.

Whatever the cause, he laughs.

The backing singer keeps singing. Without Elvis’s singing, the falsetto backing becomes wailing, touching off more laughter by Elvis to the point that he loses it, encouraging his backing singer to “sing it baby…”.

Listen to it at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWOImR8YoCU

The visuals are just background to the audio, the visuals are not of the laughing Elvis performance.

He has a great laugh and it is infectious - see if you don’t end up laughing or at least smiling.

Thank ya verry moch.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 A repost, but worth it . . .

A POEM

ROGER’S THESAURUS

In order to grow, expand, widen
his lexicological corpus,
Roger bought, acquired, purchased
a synonymopedia, a thesaurus.

Soon, presently, without delay,
he no longer ran out of things to say,
speak, utter, express, articulate,
give voice to, pronounce, communicate.

This was all very well, fine, great,
wonderful, super, terrific
but his friends, mates, pals found him
boring, tedious, dull. Soporific.

So let this be a warning,
an omen, a sign, a premonition,
it’s all very well to show learning,
education, knowledge, erudition,
but here’s a suggestion, a hint,
a top tip, some advice,
don’t ever let it stop you
from being concise,

brief, short, clear, pithy,
succinct, compendious, to the point.

- Brian Bilston

Sent to me by son Thomas, thanks lad.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

POETRY SPOT: WHAT TOTTLES MEANT

Tottles was a character from Lewis Carroll's novel Sylvie and Bruno Concluded (1893), thyge second volume following on from Sylvie and Bruno (1889).

What Tottles Meant -

by Lewis Carroll

" One thousand pounds per annum
Is not so bad a figure, come! "
Cried Tottles. " And I tell you, flat,
A man may marry well on that!
To say " the Husband needs the Wife"
Is not the way to represent it.
The crowning joy of Woman's life
Is Man! " said Tottles (and he meant it).

The blissful Honeymoon is past:
The Pair have settled down at last:
Mamma-in-law their home will share,
And make their happiness her care.
" Your income is an ample one:
Go it, my children! " (And they went it).
" I rather think this kind of fun
Won't last! " said Tottles (and he meant it).

They took a little country-box — —
A box at Covent Garden also:
They lived a life of double-knocks,
Acquaintances began to call so:
Their London house was much the same
(It took three hundred, clear, to rent it):
" Life is a very jolly game! "
Cried happy Tottles (and he meant it).

" Contented with a frugal lot "
(He always used that phrase at Gunter's),
He bought a handy little yacht —
A dozen serviceable hunters —
The fishing of a Highland Loch —
A sailing-boat to circumvent it —
" The sounding of that Gaelic " och"
Beats me! " said Tottles (and he meant it).

But oh, the worst of human ills
(Poor Tottles found) are " little bills " !
And, with no balance in the Bank,
What wonder that his spirits sank?
Still, as the money flowed away,
He wondered how on earth she spent it.
" You cost me twenty pounds a day,
At least! " cried Tottles (and he meant it).

She sighed. " Those Drawing Rooms, you know!
I really never thought about it:
Mamma declared we ought to go —
We should be Nobodies without it.
That diamond circlet for my brow —
I quite believed that she had sent it,
Until the Bill came in just now — — "
" Viper! " cried Tottles (and he meant it).

Poor Mrs. T. could bear no more,
But fainted flat upon the floor.
Mamma-in-law, with anguish wild,
Seeks, all in vain, to rouse her child.
" Quick! Take this box of smelling-salts!
Don't scold her, James, or you'll repent it,
She's a dear girl, with all her faults — — "
" She is! " groaned Tottles (and he meant it).

" I was a donkey, " Tottles cried,
" To choose your daughter for my bride!
'Twas you that bid us cut a dash!
'Tis you have brought us to this smash!
You don't suggest one single thing
That can in any way prevent it —
Then what's the use of arguing?
Shut up! " cried Tottles (and he meant it).

" And, now the mischief's done, perhaps
You'll kindly go and pack your traps?
Since two (your daughter and your son)
Are Company, but three are none.
A course of saving we'll begin:
When change is needed, I'll invent it:
Don't think to put your finger in
This pie! " cried Tottles (and he meant it).

See now this couple settled down
In quiet lodgings, out of town:
Submissively the tearful wife
Accepts a plain and humble life:
Yet begs one boon on bended knee:
" My ducky-darling, don't resent it!
Mamma might come for two or three — — "
" NEVER! " yelled Tottles. And he meant it.

"'Never!' yelled Tottles". 

Illustration by Harry Furniss (1854–1925) 

for Beyond these Voices, Chapter 16 of Sylvie and Bruno Concluded (1893).

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

HIDDEN MESSAGES #2

__________

Dramatis Personae:

Tom Ammiano (1941 - )

American politician and LGBT rights activist from San Francisco, California. Ammiano, a member of the California Legislative LGBT Caucus, served as a member of the California State Assembly from 2008 to November 30, 2014.

Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947 - )

Austrian-American actor, film producer, businessman, former bodybuilder and politician who served as the 38th governor of California between 2003 and 2011.

__________

The insult:

In the late 2000’s, Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s popularity was falling, primarily due to a growing budget deficit. Popular at election, the Governator had lost ground, one of his greatest and most vocal critics being former San Francisco Assemblyman Tom Ammiano.

Ammiano, an LGBT activist who had worked with famed San Francisco Supervisor and LGBT advocate Harvey Milk in the 70’s, was one of the most liberal members of the Assembly. His left-leaning bills were repeatedly knocked back by Schwarzenegger.

In October 2009, a Democratic Party fundraiser was held at San Francisco’s Fairmont Hotel, one of the premier Democratic events right and held on Ammiano’s home turf, Gov. Schwarzenegger made a surprise appearance. For Ammiano sitting in the audience, this was just too much. As soon as former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown introduced him, Ammiano immediately shouted “You lie!” and continued to yell while walking out in protest, including shouting to the Governor that he could “kiss my gay ass.”

As a Republican at a Democratic event, the Governor had expected some jeers but not Ammiano’s outburst. The remarks made national news and Schwarzenegger was deeply embarrassed.

__________

The revenge:

Assembly Bill 1176, authored by Ammiano, was considered by many to be an extremely easy bill to pass. As it was going to help the Port of San Francisco with financial districts and other issues, it was seen as a general benefit to the city. Even Assembly and Senate Republicans didn’t have any issues with it. The Assembly had passed it 78-0, with the Senate following up with a 40-0 vote. Every political analyst at the time had it down as uncontroversial and was sure to be signed by Governor Schwarzenegger.

To the shock of many, Governor Schwarzenegger’s office announced that AB 1176 was vetoed.

For San Francisco, this was a huge blow, as they needed help with financing their waterfront .

For Assemblyman Ammiano, he was livid for two reasons:

• Schwarzenegger had just foiled one of his campaign promises in dramatic fashion.

• Arnold sent him a personal note in his veto., to wit:

The kicker is to read downwards the first letter of each line in the body of the letter.

__________

The aftermath:

While Ammiano’s remark only four days before had made some national news, Schwarzenegger’s veto made it international.

The Governor immediately said that this had all been an accident and unintentional. However, A UC Berkeley professor actually wrote a paper on the incident and calculated that it was a 1 in 86 billion chance that that exact wording would have appeared like that.

Schwarzenegger’s popularity immediately jumped up and he was emboldened to veto more bills than usual that year. As the Great Recession was currently happening at the time, this actually kept spending lower and probably helped reduce the financial crunch California was in during the 2008-2012 budget crisis.

Ammiano never really recovered from the slight. Once one of the Bay Area’s most prominent politicians, even nearly winning the San Francisco mayoral race in 1999, Ammiano was out of the Assembly in 2014 and hasn’t returned to politics since.

Schwarzenegger himself maintained that the veto message had all been a coincidence until 2019. That year, during an interview on The Late Late Show with James Corden, Schwarzenegger admitted to what had really happened.

“Well, there was one Legislator that I didn’t like at all,” noted Schwarzenegger to Corden. ” and so I vetoed his bill, but I really wanted to make sure that he got the message. So I wrote each line in the veto message. Each line starts with a certain letter, that when you go down the line, it says [expletive] you.

“And at the press conference the next day when they discovered that, the press, they said to me ‘Did you know that this said [expletive] you’? And I said ‘No, no. Wait a minute. Where does it say that? I did not know that’.”

__________

To date, a hidden veto message hasn’t appeared since, but every legislator since the incident knows to keep an eye out for that sort of thing.

“We’re reminded now and then to look out for that sort of thing,” said “Dana,” a State Capitol staffer to the Globe. “No one has forgotten what Arnold did.”

__________

From:

California Globe

https://californiaglobe.com/articles/the-story-of-arnold-schwarzeneggers-infamous-hidden-expletive-veto/

__________

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

HIDDEN MESSAGES #1

__________

"I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say ‘Holden Caulfield’ on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it'll say ‘Fuck you.’ I'm positive, in fact."

J D Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

__________

From an article yesterday in The Daily Mail at:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10924309/Family-sparks-outrage-hiding-rude-message-dads-gravestone.html#reader-comments

A grave mistake?

An Iowa family has caused a serious controversy after hiding a rude phrase on their late father's gravestone - sparking outrage among cemetery staff who insist the cheeky message is offensive and has no place 'where loved ones are laid to rest'.

After Steven Owens passed away on September 2, 2021, at the age of 59, his family banded together to come up with an idea to forever immortalize his wicked sense of humour and straight-talking personality.

Steven Owen

So, they came up with a way of hiding Owens' favourite 'term of endearment' on his gravestone, creating a sweet tribute to the late father-of-two:

At first glance, the gravestone at Warren-Powers Cemetery in Polk County reads much like many of the other sentimental tributes inscribed on the monuments around it:

Forever in our hearts

Until we meet again

Cherished memories

Known as

Our son, brother

Father, papa, uncle

Friend & cousin.

However, upon closer inspection, the first letter of each line on the headstone spells out Owens' beloved insult, which his daughter Lindsay insists he only ever used as a 'term of endearment'.

The board in charge at the cemetery is against the headstone, stating in a release: 'How would you like to have your spouse, child, mother, father, grandparent, uncle or cousin, your loved one or eventually you, have to be laid rest next to that for eternity?’ According to the board, the family were told it would not be allowed but chose install the gravestone anyway.

Owens’ son Zach replied 'No one’s forcing anyone to come out and look at it, that’s a choice that you make. We didn’t do it to offend anyone, make anyone mad or hurt anyone’s feelings. We did it because it was our father, and we love him, and that’s how we remember him.'

Reader comments to the article:

Absolutely love it! I get that humour, I find it hilarious. MOST importantly, the guy would have loved that! Staff need to mind their own business and go about their day.

Wow, now the undertakers are Woke also? I don't think many would notice the slogan, unless it was pointed out to them. Personally I love it.

Not exactly hidden, but it's not against any law

The staff need to get a grip and do their jobs.

Others do not need to stop and read the man's gravestone if they are there to visit others. People are so easily offended these days it's actually embarrassing.

Absolutely love this. So many people have a wicked sense of humour. Death does not change it. I'm sure your dad would be laughing

That's been done before... years ago.

(See following item, Otto)

Tacky and disrespectful to others visiting loved ones graves.

It reflects the person who died. Not visitors

A hidden message? It is so well hidden a blind man could see it lol

Classy!

Tacky

Brilliant

Very inappropriate in a public place, where people go to respectfully grieve .

Tacky, tasteless, trash!

A Cemetery is not a privately owned place.

Wit?

Childish.

In years to come it might make a stranger smile. If it offends others, it sounds like this chap didn't give a flying #*#* anyway. Nice touch by the people who knew him best.

Humor? It's humour.

It's humor in the USA where this story is based. We all know the Americans have weird spellings.

You would have to stand there and read it to work it out --when I did it made me smile nothing else overreaction i think

Distasteful

Love it!!

This is a good example of creative well managed swearing- anyone offended , will I'm sure, follow the advice !!

Inappropriate, disgusting, lacking all decency ...

I presume you are talking about the idiots that want it removed.

I agree, that's exactly what I think off anyone that gets offended by a lighthearted joke that doesn't actually affect or offend anyone!!!

Wonder what would be on a similar gravestone for a Man of Kent?

People who are offended can follow the advice of the message.

So they find this offensive but mass school shootings are ok? Only in America.

You can't read a book these days without it being littered with the F word and the majority of the younger generation use it when speaking like it's an every day word. How times have changed.

Karens everywhere!!

Everyone on this planet has used this phrase even the pope

I haven't! I absolutely hate the F word and I hate the way people think it's an acceptable word.

A child would never pick up on this unless it was pointed out to them!

I wouldn't even have noticed had it not been pointed out.

I'm not offended but then again I don't go through life looking to be offended unlike the snowflakes who appear to be permanently offended by something or someone. Get a life you lot !!!!

Humour has died, RIP

Sounds like a classy family - not!

The other 'residents' are hardly likely to be offended by it.

An expression used like god bless you these days what's the harm

__________

A precedent:

As one reader above commented, it has been done before.

John Laird McCaffery is buried in Montreal.

His epitaph reads:

John

Free your body and soul

Unfold your powerful wings

Climb up the highest mountains

Kick your feet up in the air

You may now live forever

Or return to this earth

Unless you feel good where you are

Missed by your friends

The cemetery has strict rules on what is, and what is not, allowed on tombstones, hence the true message hidden in the epitaph. It can be found by reading down the first letter of each line.

Kristian Gravenor of the Montreal Mirror spoke with the stonemason who made the headstone, keeping the stonemason’s name confidential. The stonemason said that the message occurred to him only after he had finished:

“Afterwards, as I’m done, I’m looking at it and I’m like, ‘Wow.’ I noticed it just like that. This guy’s ex-wife and mistress came in together and ordered the stone. They said the message represented him. It was a thing between the three of them.”

__________

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

FUNNY FRIDAY

 -------☹😊☹-------

Some humour for these cold wintry days and nights.

-------☹😊☹-------

SOME HUMOUR:

__________

Adam and Eve are walking through the Garden of Eden for the first time

They marvel at the beauty. Waterfalls, beautiful plants, trees, and animals, and an incredible sky are the things they look at and enjoy. Adam looks past God and sees a woman standing there. With Eve next to him, he wonders who it is. He asks God "Who is that standing there?" God turns and Queen Elizabeth II smiles and waves at him.

God turns back to Adam and says "I have no clue. She was here when I got here!"

__________

A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, “Mummy, how was I born?”

The mother smiled and replied:

“Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom.”

__________

I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.

Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.

As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.

As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I was still lost

-------☹😊☹-------

Note by me:

My reason for posting it is so that I can follow it with an alternative version:

In a small Egyptian village one Mohamad El Caribe sits down one night to a large plate of ful, the dish made of fava beans. The next day when he is at his stall in the marketplace he feels an urge to pass gas but he stifles it. The more he suppresses the urge, the more the pressure builds until, eventually, the pressure is released. The noise is so loud and so sustained that everyone stops, all activity ceases as the trumpet continues sounding. At end not a word is spoken. Instead stunned people in the marketplace stare at Mohamad. He slinks away to his humble residence, ashamed and humiliated. That night, under cover of darkness, he steals away and becomes a desert nomad.

As he grows old he would like again to see the place of his birth and childhood for one last time. He reasons that after this time everyone will have forgotten him and what he did.

Eventually he makes it back to the village and enters the marketplace where he finds that a large supermarket has replaced the stallholders. He stops someone and asks when the supermarket had been built. The man does some calculations in his head and replies “I will tell you. It was twenty years, 2 months and 11 days from when Mohamad El Caribe farted in the marketplace.”

Here is the alternative version . . .

Dr. Epstein, a world- renowned physician, was invited back to his hometown to give a public lecture. On the evening of the talk, the auditorium was packed with friends, acquaintances, and people who were proud of their native son. He walked onto the stage in the big auditorium and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off and hit the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, he inadvertently farted. Because his rear end was so close to the microphone, the amplified sound reverberated throughout the entire building.

The doctor was mortified, but somehow kept his composure long enough to deliver his speech. When he was done, he raced out the stage door, vowing never to set foot in his hometown again. Decades later, he returned to visit his elderly mother, who was very ill. He arrived under cover of darkness and checked into his hotel under the name Levy.

“Is this your first visit to our town, Mr. Levy?” asked the hotel clerk.

“No, young man” replied Dr. Epstein. “I grew up here. I moved away a long time ago, though”

“And you never visit?” the clerk inquired.

“Well, actually I did visit once, but I had a very embarrassing experience and I didn’t feel I could come back and face the people here”.

“Mr. Levy” offered the clerk, “far be it for me to give advice to such a distinguished gentleman as yourself, but one thing I’ve learned in my young life is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even noticed by others. And that’s probably the case with your incident too”.

“Thank you, but I doubt that’s true of my incident” replied Dr. Epstein.

“Why? Was it a long time ago?”

“Yes, it was a long time ago”.

“Oh,” said the clerk. “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”

-------☹😊☹-------

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young lady named Maude,

A terrible society fraud:

In company, I'm told

She was awfully cold.

But if you got her alone, Oh My God!

-------☹😊☹-------

GALLERY:

-------☹😊☹-------

CORN CORNER:

__________

I got jacuzzi and yakuza mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mob.

__________

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a prick.

__________

I'm finally going to dig up my childhood time capsule...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten!

__________

The children of the Royal Family have to stay a certain distance away from the Queen whilst on the Buckingham Palace balcony...

It’s known as restricted heirspace.

__________

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdom designed a beautiful new crest for the Royal Family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit. I began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the Royal Family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the Royal Family's lawyers, I found out that I had to pay Her Royalty her royalties for Her Royal Tee's.

__________

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

-------☹😊☹-------

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

LEO CONTRIBUTION #2

_____________

Part 2 of Leo's contribution, following on from yesterday, content not confirmed or verified.

_____________

Why we like the British

_____________

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

_____________

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

_____________

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

_____________

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

_____________

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -

'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

_____________

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE

_____________

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

_____________

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

_____________

'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from A & E syndrome: not knowing his arse from his elbow. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

_____________

'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

_____________

'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now ... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall ...'

_____________

'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

_____________

'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

_____________

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman ... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

_____________

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

_____________

'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

_____________

'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

_____________

'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

_____________

'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

_____________

'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

_____________

'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

_____________