Adam and Eve are walking through the Garden of Eden for the first time
They marvel at the beauty. Waterfalls, beautiful plants, trees, and animals, and an incredible sky are the things they look at and enjoy. Adam looks past God and sees a woman standing there. With Eve next to him, he wonders who it is. He asks God "Who is that standing there?" God turns and Queen Elizabeth II smiles and waves at him.
God turns back to Adam and says "I have no clue. She was here when I got here!"
A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, “Mummy, how was I born?”
The mother smiled and replied:
“Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom.”
I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.
Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.
As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I was still lost
Note by me:
My reason for posting it is so that I can follow it with an alternative version:
In a small Egyptian village one Mohamad El Caribe sits down one night to a large plate of ful, the dish made of fava beans. The next day when he is at his stall in the marketplace he feels an urge to pass gas but he stifles it. The more he suppresses the urge, the more the pressure builds until, eventually, the pressure is released. The noise is so loud and so sustained that everyone stops, all activity ceases as the trumpet continues sounding. At end not a word is spoken. Instead stunned people in the marketplace stare at Mohamad. He slinks away to his humble residence, ashamed and humiliated. That night, under cover of darkness, he steals away and becomes a desert nomad.
As he grows old he would like again to see the place of his birth and childhood for one last time. He reasons that after this time everyone will have forgotten him and what he did.
Eventually he makes it back to the village and enters the marketplace where he finds that a large supermarket has replaced the stallholders. He stops someone and asks when the supermarket had been built. The man does some calculations in his head and replies “I will tell you. It was twenty years, 2 months and 11 days from when Mohamad El Caribe farted in the marketplace.”
Here is the alternative version . . .
Dr. Epstein, a world- renowned physician, was invited back to his hometown to give a public lecture. On the evening of the talk, the auditorium was packed with friends, acquaintances, and people who were proud of their native son. He walked onto the stage in the big auditorium and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off and hit the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, he inadvertently farted. Because his rear end was so close to the microphone, the amplified sound reverberated throughout the entire building.
The doctor was mortified, but somehow kept his composure long enough to deliver his speech. When he was done, he raced out the stage door, vowing never to set foot in his hometown again. Decades later, he returned to visit his elderly mother, who was very ill. He arrived under cover of darkness and checked into his hotel under the name Levy.
“Is this your first visit to our town, Mr. Levy?” asked the hotel clerk.
“No, young man” replied Dr. Epstein. “I grew up here. I moved away a long time ago, though”
“And you never visit?” the clerk inquired.
“Well, actually I did visit once, but I had a very embarrassing experience and I didn’t feel I could come back and face the people here”.
“Mr. Levy” offered the clerk, “far be it for me to give advice to such a distinguished gentleman as yourself, but one thing I’ve learned in my young life is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even noticed by others. And that’s probably the case with your incident too”.
“Thank you, but I doubt that’s true of my incident” replied Dr. Epstein.
“Why? Was it a long time ago?”
“Yes, it was a long time ago”.
“Oh,” said the clerk. “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young lady named Maude,
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!
I got jacuzzi and yakuza mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mob.
Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?
Police Officer: "Yes"
Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?
Police Officer: "No"
Woman: I think you're a prick.
I'm finally going to dig up my childhood time capsule...
I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten!
The children of the Royal Family have to stay a certain distance away from the Queen whilst on the Buckingham Palace balcony...
It’s known as restricted heirspace.
One day, the Queen of The United Kingdom designed a beautiful new crest for the Royal Family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit. I began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the Royal Family wouldn't mind.
After several very angry calls from the Royal Family's lawyers, I found out that I had to pay Her Royalty her royalties for Her Royal Tee's.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.