I was watching a TV show where a female police officer kneed the bad guy in the groin, which is the polite way of saying in his cods (which in turn is the shortened form of the Cockney rhyming slang: Cods = Cobbler’s Awls = Balls).
It had me grimacing and also pondering it as an appropriate theme for some Funny Friday humour (although I think Kate does not always agree with my choices and selections).
Some of the following jokes about Jatz Crackers (= Knackers) are recycled and from the vault, but well worth another outing.
As one would expect, there is plenty of risque content ahead.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A chap goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything"? He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before." "Yes I was in the Army,” he says “I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The chap says "Yes, a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The man is puzzled and asks "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point coming in for that."
A man found himself lost and wandering in a forest. After a few hours trying to find his way, he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an old Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man, "can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese old man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man".
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a nice shape. She was obviously attracted to the man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
During the night, he could no longer bear it and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest".
"Well that's pretty crappy," he thought, "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about". He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out.
As he did, so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle". In panic, he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the rock.
As he plummeted downward, he saw a large sign on the ground that read "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost".
Two young boys go into a chemist's, pick up a box of Tampax and go to the counter.
The woman says to the older boy "How old are you?"
"Eight" he replies.
The woman says "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replies “No, not exactly, but they're not for me, they're for him, he's my brother, he's four. We saw the ad on TV and it said with these you'll be able to swim and ride a bike and he can't do either!"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young lady at sea
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me."
Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news for you.”
Trans woman: “That’s not how you address me. I am a woman!”
Doctor: “Okay, ma'am, I have some bad news for you, you have testicular cancer.”
One year I had been a naughty child and Santa left me a piece of coal.
So I poisoned his cookies.
But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.
A guy walks into a bar and notices a framed picture of a cat hanging behind the bar.
"What happened to the picture of Buddha you used to have hanging back there?" he asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, "That was Zen, this is Meow."
A mosquito landed on my testicles.
Hardest decision of my life.