Looking through some pics to locate the photo of my mother that was used in Bytes a few days ago, I came across a couple of other 2008 photos of interest.
My son Thomas, who works in my office (and who has now completed his law course, graduation in July, WD) had carried out some tasks for John, an elderly, eccentric Scottish client. John took a liking to Thomas and would often pass on bits of advice, tell him some stories and so on.
Not long after Thomas had completed the tasks mentioned above, he received a letter from John in the office mail.
The letter said that:
- the item enclosed was for good luck and should be worn around the neck;
- John’s father had been an ace poacher in Scotland and had never been caught;
- his father had told him to wear one but he, John, hadn’t and he was nicked in 1942;
- there was an extra one for a friend.
Inside the envelope was a wrapped parcel which smelt horrible. Tom opened it and found two rabbit’s feet…
John died a couple of years ago. We never did find out whether he was serious or if it was a joke. I suspect that he was serious.
So a couple of rabbit jokes for Friday (one of them a re-post but a goodie), plus an item about colonoscopies for my dad in law.
A priest has been reassigned to a new church and wants to see how seriously the attendees take Easter. He approaches a one person and asks the meaning of Easter. She replies that Easter is when a giant bunny brings candy for children. Ok, how about another, so the priest asks someone else. He says Easter is when all the children color eggs, and the adults hide the Easter eggs and let the children participate in an egg hunt. Ok, how about another, so the priest finds a conservative looking person praying quietly, and he hopes she appreciates the meaning of Easter. She describes how Jesus carried the cross and then was crucified, and then his body was put in a cave with a rock at the entrance. Good so far thought the priest but then, Easter Sunday, the boulder magically rolled away from the cave, Jesus was resurrected ... and stepped out of the cave and saw his shadow, and he knew there would be 6 more weeks of winter.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,"I don't think my python weally givth a thit"
Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour`s 10 year old daughter`s rabbit.
For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it`s grooming I jumped the fence and placed it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour’s Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl`s dead rabbit and put it back in its cage?"
For Noel. . .
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
A preoccupied vegan named Hugh
Picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.
He took a big bite
before spitting, in fright,
"OMG, WTF, BBQ!"