Concluding Gratitude Week. . .
* * * * *
One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom finishes his sermon by asking his congregation whether anyone would like to express thanks to God for a recent event. Leah immediately stands up and announces, "I would like you all to know that I feel immense gratitude for the way Hashem recently answered my prayers."
"OK Leah," says Rabbi Bloom, "please do tell us about it."
"Some of you might have noticed that my husband Benny and I have not been coming to shul recently. Two months ago, Benny had a terrible accident. A car ran straight into him as he was crossing the road and his scrotum was completely crushed. For days and days, the pain he was experiencing was so terrible that he sometimes cried out for help. But his doctors didn't at first know how to help him."
There were gasps from the men in the shul as they thought of Benny’s pain.
"Benny couldn’t even hold our children," continues Leah, "because every move he made caused him yet more pain. But then, out of the blue, doctor Minky decided to try out a new type of operation on Benny that had been pioneered in Israel. That was when I prayed to God to help the operation to succeed. I prayed the night before the operation and I prayed the next morning as doctor Minky performed his delicate operation on Benny. Fortunately, he managed to join together the crushed pieces of Benny’s scrotum and then wrap a thin plastic sheet around them to hold everything in place."
Again, there were gasps from the men in the shul as they visualised what Benny must have gone through.
"Benny is now out of hospital," continues Leah, "and his prognosis is good. Doctor Minky says that over the next 12 months, Benny’s scrotum should recover completely."
All the men in the shul sigh with relief. Rabbi Bloom then thanks Leah for her uplifting story and asks his congregation whether anyone wants to comment on what they have just heard. A man rises from his seat and introduces himself. "For those who don’t know me, I'm doctor Minky."
After the clapping dies down, doctor Minky says, "And I would like to tell Leah and all of you here today that the word is ‘sternum’ not ‘scrotum.’"
* * * * *
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."
* * * * *
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.
"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
* * * * *
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fucking think so.
* * * * *
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
* * * * *
To a chick he said "I would love hv."
When she said, "I abstain
'Cause sex causes pain,"
He assured her, "Well I'll put some salv.!"
...and a bonus Gratitude limerick to conclude:
To walk on the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an arse
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks!"