Friday, November 15, 2013

Funny Friday




Following on from yesterday’s item about going apeshit (some reader comments this weekend on that, by the way), I wanted to post some monkey related jokes today but the only ones that I could come up with that raise a good laugh have all been previously posted on Bytes. Then it hit me (old joke: I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.): I was enjoying reading those same jokes again so no doubt others would as well. There is no unwritten law of the universe that thou shalt tell a joke only once. Enjoy the following, even if you have heard them before . . .

* * * *

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ... whole!" 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

* * * * *

This is better told, rather than written, in that telling allows a Northern English accent to be used. I have written some of the words phonetically to preserve that feature...

A man takes his young son to the London Zoo to see the monkeys.

Alas, when they get to the monkey enclosure, there is not a monkey to be seen, so he calls over the attendant and asks”

“’Ere, where’s all the moonkeys then?”

“They’re all in the ‘uts,” says the keeper. “It’s the matin’ season, they’re all ‘avin’ sex.”

“Do you think they’d come out if I threw a peanut?” asks the father.

“Would you?” asks the keeper

* * * * *

Breaking News: 
Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered thousands of monkey skeletons.

* * * * *

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

"Blimey," the bus driver said, "that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathised and said, "He's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

* * * * *

Someone just called my mate an ape.

I took offense because he's my prime mate.

* * * * *

This item is essentially visual, hence difficult to tell in written format . . 

A busload of footballers celebrating their end of season crashed, killing all on board. The only survivor was a chimpanzee.

At the coroner’s inquest, the police sergeant assisting said “Your Honour, we’ve had some difficulty working out exactly what happened, the only survivor was a chimpanzee, the club’s mascot. It seems pretty intelligent. I suggest we call the chimpanzee and ask it a few questions.”

Well, that’s most unusual,” said the Magistrate, “but if you think it will help, “I’ll allow it.”

The chimpanzee is called and takes a seat.

The sergeant says “Can you understand me?”

The chimpanzee nods its head up and down.

“What were the footballers doing?”

The chimpanzee raises an imaginary glass to hsi lips, head tipped back, and pretends to drink.

“They were drinking alcohol?”

The chimpanzee nods yes again.

“Were the footballers doing anything else?”

The chimpanzee nods yes and pushes the plunger on an imaginary syringe into his arm He also pretends to inhale from an imaginary cigarette held between thumb and forefinger.

“They were taking drugs?”

The chimpanzee nods yes.

“Was there anyone else on the bus?”

The chimpanzee nods yes and uses his hands to outline a curvy figure.

“There were women on the bus?”

Yes.

“What were they doing?”

The chimpanzee makes a circle with thumb and forefinger, then pushes the forefinger of his other hand in and out of the circle.

“The women were having sex with the footballers?”

The chimpanzee nods yes again.

“And what were you doing while all this was going on?”

The chimpanzee strains to look at the back of the bus over his left shoulder as he holds an imaginary steering wheel.

* * * * *

London Zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her.

The zoo administrators remember that one of their zoo-keepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla. 

So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred pounds?

O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions: "First, dere's to be no kissin’. Second, if dere’s any children, dey have to be raised Roman Cat'lic."

The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.

"Well," says O'Reilly, "You've got to give me some time to come up wit' de five hundred quid...."

* * * * *

This last item is an illustration of a truth, rather than a joke, but it’s still pretty funny and worth inclusion:

How To Create Bureaucracy, Policy, And Procedures 

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. 

2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water. 

3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. 

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. 

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. 

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. 

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. 

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? 

"BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here." 

* * * * * * * * * *

Limerick Spot

There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier,
Then by ten men,
Sir Gerald again
And the band at the Waldorf Astoria

* * * * * * * * * * *

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