More Jewish humour, for no other reaosn than I think it's funny. A couple have been posted in Bytes before.
* * * * * * * *
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?
* * * * * * * *
After months of negotiation, Avraham, a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and sat down. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at the young man and thought,
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this area. If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I'm the only one from our area to be allowed to travel to Moscow.
Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status.
What could it be? A doctorate from the University.
At this point Avraham turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied Avraham, "it was obvious".
* * * * * * *
A Polish town had just one cow to its name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
Then the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
In desperation, the people asked their rabbi what to do - he was very wise.
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and vice versa. What shall we do?"
The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you buy a Minsk cow?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never told you that we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
* * * * * * * *
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"
* * * * * * *
Issy was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
An angel hears his plea and says to him, "I'm sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
Issy implores the angel to speak to God to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime, Issy continues to pray.
When the angel reappears, he informs Issy that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven.
The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."
Issy explains that he has permission and suggests he verify his story with God.
Gabriel checks and says, "You're right. You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"
* * * * * * * *
Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"