Friday, August 22, 2014

Funny Friday


The first item today, setting a computer password, comes from Vince and will no doubt strike a chord with many readers.  There are a few visual items to go with it.  The rest is a bag of humour allsorts . . . enjoy!

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WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.

She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.

"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."

Try further down," she said.

At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room, which made him feel most uncomfortable.

He whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass."

"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the damn necklace."

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Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond, The dog came back and barks twice, Chester says. "Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out there."

Earl says, "Your going to take the dogs bark for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he said, "I don't believe it!. Where did you get that dog.? There are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says. "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in his mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, This dog is a fraud and I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in his mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl . . . he was trying to tell you that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

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Corn Corner:

Feeling horrible, an alligator goes to the veterinarian.

"What seems to be the problem?" the vet asks.

"I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc, " the gator says. "Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles and catch any animal I wanted. Now all I can do is let them swim by."

Concerned, the vet gives him a through examination and hands him a few pills.

"What are these?" the gator asks.

"It's a pill very similar to Viagra," the vet answers.

"Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem." The alligator protests. "What exactly is wrong with me?"

"Well," the vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction.

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