Friday, May 1, 2015

Funny Friday

Caution: risqué content and language below

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Old joke:

Yianni is talking to his friend in Greece.

“Look at my house," says Yianni. “I build that house with my own hands. I go in mountains, bring down stones, make the house. But you think they call me ‘Yianni the House Builder?’ No!”

“You see my fishing boat? I make that with my bare hands. I cut down the trees, make timber, use timber to make boat. You think they call me ‘Yianni the Boat Maker?’ No!”

“But fuck one goat . . .”

This is by way of introduction to A Great Moment in Australian Racing History.

In April 2015 jockey Blake Shinn was riding at Canterbury (NSW) and came second in one of his races.

Blake would be justified in saying “I won the 2008 Melbourne Cup. Am I famous because of that? No! I am one of Australia’s leading jockeys. Am I famous for that? No! But lose the elastic in your trousers in a race just once . . .”

Despite the wardrobe malfunction being a bit of a bummer for Blake and making him the butt of a lot of jokes, evening going viral, Blake managed the second place, on Miss Royale, ahead of third placed horse Modesty and behind first placed horse Defender, ridden by Tommy Berry. According to Berry, “What a great race to win. It meant I was the only one that didn't have to stare at Blake's arse the whole way up the straight.”

See film of the ride by clicking on:

Which gives us our theme for this Funny Friday: jockeys.

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Four jockeys are on their way home from the Golden Slipper when the car they are travelling in is hit by a truck. The car bursts in flames and they all die.

One of the jockey's trainers is informed that his jockey has been killed and he needs to go down to the morgue to try and identify him - he is warned that all four jockeys are very badly burnt and hardly rocognisable.  

Inside the morgue, they pull back the sheet on the first body.

"No, thats not him," said the trainer.

They pull back the sheet on the second.

"Nope, thats not him."

The third.

"No, that aint him either."

After pulling back the sheet on the fourth and final body, the trainer says "yep, that's the bastard."

The mortician said, "That's amazing.  These bodies are burnt to a crisp and yet you have identified your jockey just like that, how?"

And the trainer said, "He has been my jockey for 3 years.....and he's never been in the first three."

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A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field. 

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. 

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered...

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I remember training horses for the Earl of Derby, who was very anti drugs. On the day of a big race he caught me putting something in a horse's mouth.

"Smith, what are you doing there?" he barked.

"It's just a glucose sweet your honour, here try one if you like" and in so saying, took two from my pocket and averting suspicion, sucked one myself.

A little later when talking to the jockey I said, "Hold him til three furlongs out and then let him go. If anything passes you after that, it will either be me or the Earl of Derby."

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That's the last time I wear jockey shorts. They've been riding up my bum all day.

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A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. 

Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. 

The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. 

While checking in at their hotel, the lady behind the desk asks “We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?” 

“No thanks,” says the jockey, “I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!”

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A leading jockey was given an eye test and was presented with a new pair of glasses. The optician said they would cost $450. 

"Too much!" cried the jockey. "They're bi-focal" said the optician. 

"I don't care if they're by Phar Lap. It's too much." 

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A young boy told his mother that his father had taken him to the zoo. 

The mother couldn't believe it. She said, "Your father has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life." 

The boy said, "He did, and one of the animals paid fifty dollars!" 

Corn Corner:

After winning a race, a jockey was found to have given his animal drugs, and was disqualified.

I bet that took him off his high horse.

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Paddy: "I went for a job as a jockey today."

Mick: "And how did you get on?"

Paddy: "Put a foot in the stirrups, then hauled myself up."

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