Friday, March 11, 2016

Funny Friday

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Good morning readers.

Welcome to another Funny Friday.
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My laptop died on me the night before last, which also accounts for there being no Bytes yesterday.

I have purchased a replacement, this time a Mac, and am still setting up and learning the functions of this upgrade. Bear with me.
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In recognition of International Women’s Day last Tuesday, some Friday humour about the fairer sex . . . 
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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
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A bad-tempered woman with two kids enters K Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason. The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to K Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?" The woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."
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A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. 

From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi darling,” he says. “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said hello to them.”
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A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
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A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’ The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
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Corn Corner:

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'


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