Friday, September 30, 2016

Funny Friday


A rushed Funny Friday in that the internet was down part of the time.  Enjoy the long weekend. . .  
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One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag.

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"

"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.

"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."
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An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea." 

Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says. 

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fuckin' crowbar from Bunnings." 

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I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in Whangarei and my brother-in-law is living in Melbourne. My father and mother have been busted for drug running and they depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes, for a living.

My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on conviction of rape and murder, and my uncle is a High Court Judge who takes bribes. My other uncle is on trial for lighting fires in a National Park which burnt down 93 houses.

I am in love with a Thai prostitute who solicits around the Auckland wharves. She says she loves me, but she knows nothing about my family background. We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. Me being white does not bother her at all. When I get out of the Navy we will open a brothel in Hamilton and my two sisters will work there to keep the business in the family.

My problem is that I want to marry this girl and have an entirely open and honest relationship with her. The burning question is whether I should tell her that I have a brother-in-law who lives in Melbourne?
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An oldie and worth a repeat. . .

This chap goes to the doctor saying that he gets blinding headaches. After a series of tests the doctor tells him that the good news is that he had found the cause but the bad news was that the headaches were being caused by an upward pressure of the testicles upon the base of the spine. The only cure would be an orchidectomy. The chap thought that one over for weeks but in the end the headaches were so severe that he decided to go ahead and have his testicles removed.

After the operation he was feeling so good that he decided to go down the street and get a new suit. In the menswear store he found a salesman who looked him up and down and said 'I guess you would be a 42 inch chest 38 inch waist and 40 inch hip'. 'My God' said the chap, 'how did you guess that?' 'I don't guess, I know. That's my job,' said the salesman.

When the chap was fitted out the salesman asked him if he would like a shirt because he had one in stock with a 42-inch chest and 24 inch arm. 'That's my exact measure' said the chap with astonishment. 'That's right mate. It's my job to know that,' said the salesman and handed him the shirt. 'Now what about a hat' said the salesman. 'OK' said the chap, sensing a challenge 'I bet you can't guess that one'. 'You'd be a five and seven eighths' said the salesman 'I know that, it's my job'.

Finally the salesman enquired whether some underpants were desired. 'OK' said the chap 'but let me get in first this time. I'm a size 34 in underpants'. 'No you’re not,' said the salesman 'You’re a size 36'. 'I've got you this time,' said the chap 'because I always wear a 34'. 'You're totally incorrect Sir, I know my job' said the salesman. 'You're a size 36, and I can tell you now that if you go on wearing a 34 you'll get blinding headaches from the upward pressure of the testicles on the base of the spine.'
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