Another Friday as we approach Christmas.
Last week we had some animal humour, today continues that theme.
A repeat but a goodie to start with . . .
A DEA Agent arrives at a farm and tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your property for illegally crops."
The old farmer says "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The DEA Agent says "Mister, I have the full authority of the Federal Government," reaching into his pocket and pulling out a badge, "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish -- on any land I want. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me???"
The farmer nods politely and lets the agent go about his business while the farmer returns to his chores.
Eventually, the farm hears loud screams and sees the DEA Agent in "that field" running for his life. Close behind, the farmer's biggest and meanest bull is gaining ground on him with each step.
The farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.... "Your badge! Show him your badge!!!"
I drove my sister's guinea pig to the vet this morning. My new golf clubs work great!
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"Cute, cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
I love the next one . . .
A man's big rottweiler has been losing its vision, so the owner brings the dog to the vet. The veterinarian picks the dog up and says, "I will have to put him down." The owner asks, "Why? Because he's blind?" The vet replies, "No, because he's heavy.”
Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
A: Because they were watch dogs.
What did the doctor say when a pony came in complaining about a sore throat?
"I know what's wrong here; you're just a little hoarse!"
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.