What else as an appropriate theme for Funny Friday than hospitals and medical . . .
Apparently a true nurse's story:
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
A man is in hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his genitals and checks his testicles. She says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."
The man takes off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely, but listen very very carefully . . . Are-my-test-results-back?!"
Joe, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Joe shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Joe. Joe straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Joe's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to a lawyer and the other to a social worker."
The man quickly responds, "The lawyer's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the lawyer's."
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H. "G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?" "It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly. "Will that cure me?"
"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will slide under the door."
A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt.
She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself, it would hurt.
The doctor told her to demonstrate.
She touched her nose and it hurt.
She touched her stomach and it hurt.
The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
"Your finger is broken!"
Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what's the matter?"
"Oh Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now."
So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis."
The doctor said something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing.
"So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say 'tuberculosis', he said 'too big a tochus'."