The biographer of Samuel Johnson, a chap by the name of Boswell, recorded Johnson’s comment that 'he did not care to speak ill of any man behind his back, but he believed the gentleman was an attorney'.
Today’s theme: lawyers.
Sole oldies and some classics included.
The items below are intended for humour purposes only. Any suggestions that lawyers are humorous, interesting or have personalities are expressly denied, as are any inferences that lawyers are compassionate, kind or generous. Any resemblance to any lawyer in real life is coincidental.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"
The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill.
The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
A mobster was on trial facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned the verdict of guilty for the lesser charge.
Later the lawyer approached the juror, "You had me worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"
This is strictly not a lawyer joke, more a cop joke. . .
A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait, one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked, bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car. He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.
Of course he doesn't get more than a half-dozen blocks before the cop is on him, and he immediately pulls over.
The cop tells the man to count as he holds the breathalyzer device near the man’s mouth. Green light. In disbelief, the cop checks the breathalyser and has the suspect try again. Another green light -- the guy's blood-alcohol level is legal.
"All right," says the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're so obviously falling-down drunk?"
"Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "You've heard of being the Designated Driver? I'm the Designated Decoy."
After successfully passing his final law exams exam, a young lawyer started work in a big city firm. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him right in!" the lawyer replied.
As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, the lawyer had an idea. He was very anxious to impress potential clients, so he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing, mate," replied the man. "I’m here to hook up your phone."
A business man was chosen for jury duty. He had a big merger to coming up and very much wanted to be dismissed from performing his civic duty. He tried every excuse he could think of but the judge believed that everyone, no matter what their social status, should serve on a jury at some point. He refused to relieve the business man.
On the day of the trial, the business man decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honour," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, 'He's a crook! He's guilty! Guilty! Guilty!' So your Honour, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
A young barrister was sitting in his office late one night when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the barrister, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, you will have four months of vacation each year, you will make embarrassing sums of money, and you will live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity.
The barrister thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So what's the catch?"
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
A school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually a lawyer. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your Honour.
If a lawyer and an Tax Office agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?