-----o😊o-----
We’re now in July, which means that our American cousins
will shortly be celebrating their Independence Day. The items below contain
some July humour and a few relating to that day.
Stay safe, Byters.
-----o😊o-----
SOME HUMOUR . . .
4th
of July,
The
only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
------oOo------
Something
really important must've happened on July 24th, 365 AD.
All
of the supermarkets near me say "24/7/365".
------oOo------
I
hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such
a random way to start a conversation.
------oOo------
Southern
hemisphere joke. . . northern hemisphere people substitute summer:
I
told my mate that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd
marry her in the winter.”
"July?"
he asked.
"Of
course I did," I replied.
------oOo------
I
asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.
He
took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.
It
looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me
a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That
will be $240.”
I
said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same design last time for only
$120.”
He
told me, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
------oOo------
July
4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.
On
the other hand I only have 2 fingers.
-----o😊o-----
FROM THE VAULT . . .
From January 20, 2017 . . .
The London Zoo acquires, at great expense, a very
large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she
is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after
examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she
was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But
what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male
gorillas are terrified of her.
The zoo administrators remember that one of their
zoo-keepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning
animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the
opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition: would he
be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred pounds?
O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and
on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions:
"First, dere's to be no kissin’. Second, if dere’s any children, dey have
to be raised Roman Cat'lic."
The zoo administrators quickly agree to these
conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.
"Well," says O'Reilly, "You've got to give
me some time to come up wit' de five hundred quid...."
-----o😊o-----
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .
Temptations are notably rife
In the Bible, as much as in life;
But you're asking for trouble—
A two-for-one double—
To covet the ass of my wife.
-----o😊o-----
GALLERY . . .
-----o😊o-----
CORN CORNER:
My mate said "Do you think your wife knows which
is the most northerly US state?"
"Alaska" I replied.
------oOo------
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go
shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6
cartons of milk.
The wife asks: “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He said: “They had avocados.”
------oOo------
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home
I realised I had 11.
It was just a spare, I guess.
------oOo------
I talked with some old hippies at an organic farm the
other day
They were just standing in the middle of their field,
watching the tiny shoots of the newly growing vegetables emerge from the earth.
And I asked them what they were watching. They replied: “This is the dawning of
the age of asparagus, age of asparagus”
------oOo------
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
-----o😊o-----
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.