Some risqué content ahead, dear readers, press on at your own risk (of laughing).
Although I am not a huger fan of humour that requires too much of a contrived situation, the first and third jokes are two in such category that I did find amusing. Hopefully you will as well.
Enjoy the weekend, folks.
A couple owns a dog that snores in his sleep.
Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife takes the dog to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles at night and he will stop snoring.
The woman is dubious about the vet's advice, but a few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Unable to sleep, she decides to see if a ribbon will help. She goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, the woman's husband returns home drunk after being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up with a hangover and lurches into the bathroom to urinate. Standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon around his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon around his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"
Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New York."
So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.
A man scores a hot date
Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." The man accepts.
Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.
Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.
His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, "Could you do that again?"
The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my arse."
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, ‘Are these plates clean?’ His grandfather replied, ‘They’re as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, ‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’
Without looking up the old man said, ‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! ‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Tim B sent me an email which drew my attention to having missed an important event (which is commemorated on May 12):
From my brother Reg.Tim BIt is National Limerick Day so I felt an obligation to celebrate. Here is my contribution.Reg BThis is National Limerick DaySo I wrote this one right awayI guess it will doAlthough it is trueThe best one’s are always risqué
Thanks Tim and Reg.
Apparently National Limerick Day is celebrated on May 12 because it is the birthday of Edward Lear, the English writer known for his works of nonsensical prose and poetry. Lear popularised the Limerick in his A Book of Nonsense, published 1846, but his limericks are crap and not worth reading.
Here is my contribution to National Limerick Day:
I missed that the twelfth day in May
Is also National Limerick Day.
Better late than never,
It’s not all that clever
This is mine for Funny Friday.
But enough of this cleanliness, here’s a more usual Funny Friday Limerick of the Week:
There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The complete oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
This is a classic oldie . . .
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?""Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?""Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
My reason in posting it is that I read a response to it in Lawyers Weekly:
The problem using lawyers as experimental animals is extending results derived from lawyers to human beings.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Rolls Royce.
Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.”
He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year!”
The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.
It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.
When the day is very sunny, and you’re out with your honey, and your nose is very runny, and you think it’s very funny,
Well, it’s snot.
Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you too.
But smoking bacon will cure it.