Friday, August 20, 2021

FUNNY FRIDAY

 

Here we are again, happy as can be, all good friends and jolly good company . . .

Well, sort of. There’s no jolly good company because here in Sydney we are in ongoing lockdown. The same with good friends, we see them on Facetime and speak to them by phone. Nor are happy as can be because predictions are that the lockdown may be extended, possibly to Christmas.

Remember how we toasted in 2021 and said we hoped it would be better than 2020? . . .

Anyway, here are some fish jokes which, like Sargent Pepper, are guaranteed to raise a smile. I like to think of it as Finny Friday.

Caution: some risquΓ© content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track.

All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' licence, boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing licence.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden,"You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid licence!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young boy, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
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It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spat into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
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Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4.00am but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a Happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
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Something for these Covid days . . .

Remember: what doesn’t kill you….

Mutates and tries again

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Out fishing with a sailor friend, a priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in , the sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry Father, but that’s what this fish is called - it's a fucker fish!"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge Fucker," says the priest, spotting the Bishop. "Language, please! This is God’s house," replies the Bishop. "No, no – that’s what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the Bishop, scratching his chin. " I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, Sister, that’s what this fish is called - a fucker," says the Bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the Priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the Bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says, " You know what? You cunts are alright!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

One for my friend and colleague Tony, whose birthday is today . . .

There once was a man dubbed TZ,
Always arguing with Leo, who said
“I must tell you lad,
You’re bad, sad, a cad,
Plus you’re totally fucked in the head.”

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GALLERY:




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RELIGION SPOT:

A priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box.

“What’s in the box?”, the priest asks.

“Christian kittens”, the little girl answers.

Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.

A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. “Ask her what she has in the box”, he says, “It’s the cutest thing!”

The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box.

“Atheist kittens”, she says.

The priest rushes forward and says "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were “Christian kittens!!!”

“They were”, she says. “Now their eyes are open”.

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CORN CORNER:
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I saw a guy fishing the other day and I asked him, "Have you caught anything?"

He said, "I've caught loads today."

"Using worms, are you?"

"No, licorice."

"What have you caught with that?"

"All sorts," he said.
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My wife and I lived happily for 25 years.

Then we met.
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Another dedicated to the birthday boy. . .

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards,

So I said “Y not?”

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