But be warned, risque content ahead (and don't think I don't realise that some of you smile at that and think "Oh, good. . . ")
A poem that’s not a limerick:
Fly like a butterfly,
Sting like a bee,
I slept with yo mama,
Now it burns when I pee.
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 9-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Ancestry.com is a fake, rip-off scam website –
The results of my ancestry came back 85% German and 10% Bavarian/Eastern European, but I know FOR A FACT that my grandparents came to Australia from Argentina!
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walked off.
5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walked off.
I eventually found it myself.
It was in Aisle C.
Say what you like about China...
[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the direction of General Xi Jinping]
A burglar breaks into an apartment. He's sure that nobody is home, but just in case he keeps all of the lights off. As he is moving around with a torch, a voice says "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar freezes on the spot, shines his torch around but doesn’t see anyone.
A few minutes pass and the voice comes again, "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar again pauses and shines his torch around. This time he spots a parrot in the corner. "I can see you and so can Jesus.”
"What would you know," says the burglar, "You're just a fucking parrot!"
"Yeah, I may be a fucking parrot," replies the bird, "but Jesus is a fucking Doberman."
And one not from the vault on a similar theme . . .
A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"
The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house. Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.
But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the parrot: "Hey, arsehole!"
The handyman does not react.
Again, "Hey, arsehole, yes, you, useless mf."
The handyman gets angry and answers "Shut up, you fucking nasty bird."
The parrot: "Max, attack!"
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was an old man of Calcutta
Who spied through a chink in the shutter,
But all he could see
Was his wife's bare knee,
And the back of the bloke who was up her.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d slept with.
She said “Yeah, I was awake with the other ones.”
I told my wife that I would buy her a diamond necklace for her birthday.
She said nothing would please her more.
So I gave her nothing instead.
I asked my wife if I'm the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
Out of respect for Meat Loaf passing I went to the record shop.
They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.
They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."
(By way of explanation, there were 3 Meatloaf Bat Out of Hell albums:
Bat Out of Hell
Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell
Bat Out of Hell III: The Monster Is Loose)
I got my Covid test results back today.
It said "50"... What does that even mean?!
Also, my IQ test came back positive.
I'm so confused.
I went to see a therapist.
I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman." He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me." I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."