A Jewish man bursts into his therapist's office, apologising for being late because he overslept. "But I had an Incredible breakthrough in my dream,” he says. “I was talking to my mother and she suddenly turned into YOU! That's when I woke up, got dressed, grabbed a Coke and a donut, and rushed to your office".
The therapist says "A Coke and a donut? You call that a breakfast?"
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.
The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"
The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."
The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
Struggles of passwords . . .
"Password must be at least 8 characters."
"Password must contain at least 1 number."
1 boiled carrot
"Password cannot contain spaces."
"Password must contain at least 1 capital."
"Password cannot contain multiple consecutive capitals."
"Password cannot contain swear words"
"This password is already in use."
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. His model showed up at the usual time and, after exchanging the usual small talk, began to disrobe for the day’s work. The artist told her not to bother, since he had a bad cold. He added that he would pay her for the day anyway, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea with lemon and honey.
The model said, “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.” He agreed, and told her to fix herself a cup as well. They were sitting in the living room chatting and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, and then some familiar footsteps. “Oh my!” he whispered loudly, “It’s my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
The typists at Wheesley and Beesley
All fornicate keenly and eas'ly,
In this pleasant way
They add to their pay
Which at Wheesley and Beesley is measly
Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said "My poor friend, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the symbol of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar who sits next to him with the Cross and says, “Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms, there would be mass confusion.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off
I think I'm being stalked
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She whispered, "they're right behind you!"
Doctor help, I have an irrational fear of Vietnamese soup.
"OK, that's a Pho-bia."
Dads are like boomerangs.
Man goes in a jeweller’s, says “I want to buy a potato clock.”
Jeweller says “I've never heard of one. I've got grandfather, cuckoo and wall clocks, but I've never heard of a potato clock.”
Man says “I'm starting a new job at 9 tomorrow and the wife said ‘You'd better get a potato clock.’ “
(Okay, I didn’t get it either till I read that the wife had said “You’d better get up at 8 o’clock.”)