FUNNY FRIDAY

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Today’s theme: Animals

Enjoy.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

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In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10.

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they.... lactose.....

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A blonde sees a cow with no horns so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and too dangerous to handle and be around. Yet another reason is because sometimes when they are calves we put a type of acid where the horns are growing and this stops the horns from forming."

The blonde then points and asks, "OK, but what about that cow, why doesn't it have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, the reason why THAT particular cow has no horns is because it's a horse."

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

 

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

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London Zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her.

The zoo administrators remember that one of their zoo-keepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.

So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred pounds?

O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions: "First, dere's to be no kissin’. Second, if dere’s any children, dey have to be raised Roman Cat'lic."

The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.

"Well," says O'Reilly, "You've got to give me some time to come up wit' de five hundred quid...."

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A scorpion wants to cross a river, but he can't swim. He goes to a frog, who can, and asks for a ride. The frog says, "If I give you a ride on my back, you'll go and sting me." The scorpion replies, "It would not be in my interest to sting you since as I'll be on your back we both would drown." The frog thinks about this logic for a while and accepts the deal.

He takes the scorpion on his back, braves the waters nut halfway over feels a burning spear in his side and realizes the scorpion has stung him after all. And as they both sink beneath the waves the frog cries out, "Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion, for now we both will drown?" The ccorpion replies, "I can't help it, it's in my nature."

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The meaning of the story is clear: creatures (including people) will remain true to their natures, irrespective of external influences. The frog takes the scorpion at its word and agrees to transport the scorpion, notwithstanding that there is nothing in it for the frog. The scorpion on the other hand will remain true to its dangerous innate nature, even though it is treated with trust and kindness.

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Alternative version . . .

A scorpion on the bank of the Nile asked a frog to ferry him to the other side. “Oh no,” the frog said. “You would sting me.” “That’s ridiculous,” the scorpion replied. “I won’t sting you, because I can’t swim, and I would drown as well as you.” Convinced, the frog took the scorpion on his back and began to swim the river. In midstream the scorpion’s lethal urge became too strong and he plunged his stinger into the frog’s neck. The stricken frog groaned and asked, “Why, why did you do that? Now we’re both going to die.”

As they both sank under the water the scorpion gave his final shrug and replied “This is the Middle East.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young fellow called Bliss

Whose sex life was sadly amiss.

On night flights with Venus,

His recalcitrant penis.

Would seldom do better than

t

  h

    i

     s

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CORN CORNER:

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When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

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My wife just dumped me because of my "stupid comparisons."

I feel like a china shop in a cow field.

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I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike. She gave me the finger.

Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

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What is the difference between a raven and a crow?

A raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.

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