Quote for the Day

Obit, Trump and More

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The item below was sent to me by Byter Kieran G.  It's lengthy but take the time to read it to the end. 

JEFFREY H. COHEN Obituary  

 COHEN, JEFFREY H.  

"The meaning of life is 'OOPS!'" was the preeminent philosophy of Jeffrey H. Cohen, D.C., who unexpectedly passed away Sunday morning at age 70 in the Squirrel Hill home where he was raised. 

He bids "so long but not goodbye" to his fabulous wife, Carol Chisholm Cohen; sons, Dr. Michael (Nicole) Cohen of Tucson, Dr. Joshua (Maria) Cohen of Squirrel Hill, Jason Brown of New York and Justin Brown of Wilkinsburg; grandchildren, Cole, Julien, and Ava Cohen; and siblings, Sarah Cohen Brickenstein of Shadyside, Jane B. Cohen of Australia, and Mortimer "Herc" Cohen of California. He joins his parents, Dr. Harold and Harriet Cohen in the next world.  

As a teenager, Jeff spent his summers working at Bear Creek Ranch in Montana, where he learned to ride horses, chew tobacco, and "shovel more horse manure than you've ever seen in your life." He took pride in being the only Jewish cowboy that he knew of. Jeffrey completed his undergrad at Pitt, then received his Doctorate of Chiropractic from Palmer College of Chiropractic, where he studied under mentor Dr. Raymond Nimmo, adopting his specialized brand of trigger-point (non-"cracking") chiropractic. Jeff opened his private practice on April Fools Day 1976, and would often joke that in those early years he had two waiting rooms: one where the patients would wait, and one where he would wait for the patients. 

In time his practice grew and he became a renowned chiropractor, helping thousands of people in Pittsburgh and around the world. He became known as "The Chiropractor to the Stars," treating Gold Medal winning Olympians, members of Pittsburgh Ballet Theatre and the Pittsburgh Symphony, and professional boxers. He treated many of the Pittsburgh Steelers from the 1970s through the 2000s, including Franco Harris and L.C. Greenwood, with whom he would come to have a close, decades-long friendship. Liza Minelli flew Dr. Cohen to New York on several occasions, but at the time his sons were more impressed when he treated "Weird Al" Yankovic.  

One of Jeffrey's most meaningful relationships was with Fred Rogers, to whom he became a confidant and source of relief from physical pain. Jeffrey wooed his wife Carol by singing her cowboy songs on his Martin guitar. Together they raised their four sons, imbuing them with the love of all things weird and quirky they shared. The family had many wonderful adventures together, often vacationing in Chautauqua, NY and at his beloved Bear Creek Ranch.  

In later years Jeffrey established the Nimmo Educational Foundation and published many articles in scientific journals. He also became an Adjunct Assistant Professor at New York Chiropractic College, where he passed on his wide knowledge-base of chiropractic technique to a new generation of chiropractors. His Fifth Avenue practice remains open and continues under the leadership of his son, Dr. Joshua Cohen. 

Recently, Jeffrey's prime source of joy was his family, especially his grandchildren. He also delighted in the many Akita dogs he had over the years, including current partners-in-crime, Indie and Jesse James.
Compassionate and kind, Jeffrey always put others before himself, happily and without hesitation. He had a special, healing touch and he brought relief to thousands of people over the decades. He was also a voracious teller of jokes of all kinds, especially dirty and groan-inducing ones. He had a great smile and all his teeth were still his.  

Friends received at McCABE BROTHERS FUNERAL HOME, 6214 Walnut Street, Shadyside on Friday from 12-3 p.m., followed immediately by a celebration of his life from 3-4:30 p.m., with a reception for friends and family at the Bartlett Street home following the celebration.  

Jeffrey would ask that in lieu of flowers, please do not vote for Donald Trump.  

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette from Jan. 20 to Jan. 22, 2016

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Whilst on the topic of Donald Trump . . .

A youth hostel in Paris, Belushi's, uses urinals that are in the shape of Mick Jagger's lips.  This has caused controversy and criticism.

The design has spread to other locations . . .

. . . with one wit photoshopping Donald Trump into the scene:

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It's also possible to buy Donald Trump toilet paper, the product being marketed under the slogan "Dump with Trump!"

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One final note:

From the Urban Dictionary:

Trump

Northern to Midlands (England) slang for a fart, expelling of wind from the anus.

Quote for the Day

Australia Day 2016

Today is Australia Day.

For overseas readers who may not be familiar with it, the day is celebrated annually on 26 January and is a public holiday, marking the anniversary of the 1788 arrival of the First Fleet of British Ships at Port Jackson, New South Wales, and the raising of the Flag of Great Britain at Sydney Cove by Governor Arthur Phillip. These days there is no longer a sole focus on the founding of Australia, the celebrations also reflect the diverse society and landscape of the nation. Communities now commonly have community and family events, reflections on Australian history, official community awards and citizenship ceremonies welcoming new immigrants into the Australian community

For indigenous Australians, the day is categorised as a day of mourning and referred to as "invasion Day".  

Other issues also come into prominence on Oz Day:  independence from Britain, a republic, a new flag . . .

For those interested, my preference is to keep the existing flag and simply remove the Union Jack:

Enjoy the day, the traditional barbie and the day off.

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In 1904, at the age of 19 while homesick for Oz in the UK, Dorothea Mackellar (1885-1968) wrote the poem that has become the unofficial patriotic poem of Australia, "My Country".  Every schoolchild learns it.

“My Country” – by Dorothea Mackellar

The love of field and coppice,
Of green and shaded lanes.
Of ordered woods and gardens
Is running in your veins,
Strong love of grey-blue distance
Brown streams and soft dim skies
I know but cannot share it,
My love is otherwise.

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of droughts and flooding rains.
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel-sea,
Her beauty and her terror –
The wide brown land for me!

A stark white ring-barked forest
All tragic to the moon,
The sapphire-misted mountains,
The hot gold hush of noon.
Green tangle of the brushes,
Where lithe lianas coil,
And orchids deck the tree-tops
And ferns the warm dark soil.

Core of my heart, my country!
Her pitiless blue sky,
When sick at heart, around us,
We see the cattle die –
But then the grey clouds gather,
And we can bless again
The drumming of an army,
The steady, soaking rain.

Core of my heart, my country!
Land of the Rainbow Gold,
For flood and fire and famine,
She pays us back threefold –
Over the thirsty paddocks,
Watch, after many days,
The filmy veil of greenness
That thickens as we gaze.

An opal-hearted country,
A wilful, lavish land –
All you who have not loved her,
You will not understand –
Though earth holds many splendours,
Wherever I may die,
I know to what brown country
My homing thoughts will fly.

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Mackellar grew up in the country, her family owning substantial rural properties in the Gunnedah district.  Whilst Mackellar saw the events and scenes she described - sweeping plains, droughts, floods, cattle dying - most of us are more familiar with urban Australia.  It is one of the most urbanised populations in the world, with 88.9% of the population living in urban areas according to the 2011 census.

Oscar Krahnvohl's poem "My Country", written between 1960 and 1970 (hence some of the dated references) takes a more realistic look  . . .

“My Country” by Oscar Krahnvohl

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of open drains,
Mid-urban sprawl expanded
For cost-accounting gains;
Broad, busy bulldozed acres
Once wastes of fern and trees
Now rapidly enriching
Investors overseas.

A nature-loving country
Beneath whose golden wattles
The creek is fringed with newspapers
And lined with broken bottles.
Far in her distant outback
Still whose cities chafe
I find hidden pools where bathing
Is relatively safe.

A music-loving country
Where rings throughout the land
The jingle sweet enjoining
Devotion to the brand.
O, hark the glad transistors
Whence midnight, dawn and noon,
Cry forth her U.S. idols
A trifle out of tune.

Brave military pylons
That march o’er scenic hills;
Fair neon lights, extolling
Paint, puppy food and pills!
I love her massive chimneys,
Production’s, profit’s pride,
Interminably pouring,
Pollution high and wide.

A democratic country!
Where, safe from fear’s attacks
Earth’s children all are equal
(Save yellows, browns and blacks).
Though Man in Space adventure,
Invade the planets nine,
What shall we find to equal
This sunburnt land of mine?

Quote for the Day

“In this life all that I have is my word and my balls and I do not break them for nobody.”

- Al Capone

Alphonse Gabriel "Al" Capone (1899 – 1947) was an American gangster who attained fame during the Prohibition era as the co-founder and boss of the Chicago Outfit. His seven-year reign as crime boss ended when he was 33 years old, being jailed for tax evasion.

Capone's cell in Alcatraz

Monday Miscellany - Odds, Ends and Personals

Readers write . . .

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Byter Leo M sent me the following email:

I like this idea. I'd like to be a tree.

I looked into it a bit more and found the following from the website selling the urns:

Biodegradable Urns Will Turn You Into A Tree After You Die

Trees are the lungs of our planet. The more trees we plant, the cleaner our air for generations to come. Instead of cutting down trees to make way for more cemeteries, instead of burying our loved ones using poisonous embalming fluid, a growing number of people with environmental concerns are choosing green burials, which could instead increase the number of trees and fertilize the land. 

As a general rule, green burials avoid the use of embalming fluid and cement burial vaults, and can be considerably less costly than traditional burials, ensuring that grieving loved ones are not pressured into high-priced caskets they can’t afford. 

Let’s Start Converting Cemeteries Into Forests 

A nonprofit organization in Toronto, Canada (PreventDisease.com) is now offering the Bios Urn, a funerary urn made from biodegradable materials that will turn you into a tree after you die. Inside the urn there is a pine seed — or a maple, or oak, or ash — that will grow into a memorial tree to commemorate your loved one. Bios Urns use the natural cycle of life to transform death into growth. 

The Heart of The Bios Urn 

The top part of the Bios Urn is especially designed to allow the seed to sprout. Before you bury the urn, you will need to mix the components with some dirt from where you want your tree to grow. The components will naturally facilitate germination of the seed when mixed with soil.

The urn’s structure keeps the seed separate from the ashes, until the urn itself begins to degrade. The lower capsule is where you store the ashes, while the tree grows in the upper compartment. The entire urn becomes part of the sub-soil and a fertilizer for the tree.

The upper capsule is a sealed unit to ensure the good condition of the seed until it begins to sprout. There is no expire date as long as it is kept in a cool dry place.

PreventDisease.com offers a choice of Pine, Ginko, Maple, Oak, Ash, Beech, or Cypress, for $159.99 with free shipping for both North America and Europe. 

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/biodegradable-urns-will-turn-tree-die/

I like the idea too.

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From Byter Jenny F in respect of the life lessons when letters are given numerical values:

Hi Otto

As usual enjoying your blog, very entertaining, but in the value of the word "b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t" is missing the value of the letter "b"? So the value should be 105%? 

Cheers 

Jenny 

Jenny is absolutely correct. It was written as: 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

B = 2 so it should have been 105%. 

Well done, Jenny!

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From Byter Sandra B in respect of the Gypsy Vanner horses pics:

From a non animal lover, those horses are unreal.

Sandy

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From Byter David B in respect of Quentin Crisp, whose quote “You fall out of your mother’s womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave" was a Quote for the Day:

I remember watching a documentary on BBC television, possibly for his eightieth birthday. He summed up his life by saying: "I have become one of the stately homos of England"

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From Byter Steve M:

Enjoyed the Henry Ford stuff Otto. Have an awesome biography on his life. His neighbours called him Crazy Henry when he was growing up, as he was an apprentice watchmaker but spent a lot of his youth trying to build a car in his parent's garage. He and his brother got their first 'car' together, started it with a push start (they lived at the top of a hill) and rolled it away downhill. When they got to the bottom the bloody thing didn't have enough power to get them back up again! So many great stories. I have also just read Walt Disney's life story - another amazing story. All these massive empires and corporations around the world and a lot of them started in back rooms and garages! Astounding. Maybe a subject for a Bytes some time? 

Loved the dunnies too!

Some excellent stuff lately.

By the way.... love Kate’s car. 

Note: This refers to my joking about Kate having purchased a Fiat 500. It looks a bit like this:

Continuing Steve's email:

She told me that the truth is, it is your car, not hers. They say that men drive cars that reflect the size of the genitalia, so of course I could do nothing other than believe her! Mind you....... I drive a massive, heavy, giant Range Rover as you know....... dream on Otto old mate, dream on!

Steve’s reference to penile size is to my having told him years ago that men who are lacking downstairs drive BFG’s (Big Cars), a well known psychological fact. Steve has always driven big cars whereas I am happy with a Toyota Camry.

Quote for the Day

Abū Ḥāmid Muḥammad ibn Muḥammad al-Ghazālī (1058 –1111), shortened as Al-Ghazali and known as Algazelus or Algazel to the Western medieval world, was a Muslim theologian, jurist, philosopher, and mystic of Persian descent.

Al-Ghazali has been referred to by some historians as the single most influential Muslim after the Islamic prophet Muhammad. Within Islamic civilization he is considered to be a Mujaddid or renewer of the faith, who, according to tradition, appears once every century to restore the faith of the community.

Murphy's Law and More, Pt 1

Back in 2010 I posted an item about Murphy’s Law, the adage that “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”.

You can read that item at:

http://bytesdaily.blogspot.com.au/2010/02/laws-of-universe-murphys-and-other-laws.html

I was reminded of this when I recently came across a couple of other ''laws of the universe'.

The adage became known as Murphy’s Law in about 1950 although similar expressions dated back to the 1800’s. The modern statement of the adage as above, and the name Murphy’s Law, are generally attributed to Captain Edward Murphy, an engineer working on Edwards Air Force Base in 1949. Murphy said of one technician “If there is any way to do it wrong, he’ll find it.” Shortly afterwards the base MD, Dr Stapp, said at a press conference that the base safety record was due to a firm belief in Murphy's Law and in the need to try and circumvent it. From there it was quoted and became more widely known, eventually worldwide.

Murphy’s Law, and laws like Murphy’s, help to explain and make sense of both minor occurrences and the structure of the universe. More importantly, they do so in practical ways we all understand and relate to. Quote Newton’s Third Law of Motion – “To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” – and you will have people scratching their heads and wondering of what practical benefit in any event. Quote Aigner’s Axiom – “No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek to modify the results” – and people will nod knowingly. Not only do they know it’s true, either from experience or because it intuitively feels true, it also a practical tool to deal with expectation and for not becoming discouraged.

These laws of the universe are descriptive and identifying, not causative. Thus we know that as soon as you wash your car, it will rain, but you cannot deliberately make it rain by washing your car.

The comments, writings and observations of people have sometimes been restated into Murphy’s Law format, thereby creating more laws of the universe. 

One of my favourites is Cecil Baxter’s Law of Conservation of Filth: “You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.” We clean the kitchen counter with a wipe cloth or hose the waste off the driveway. But this is not removal, merely redistribution. The wipe cloth is washed and the waste goes down the drain, as does the driveway waste, often times with added chemical content. It is merely being sent to another destination, often oceans, lakes, reservoirs and rivers. In a widened context, as a corollary (which I will call Otto’s Law of Family Law, having invented it): “To give something you have to take it away from somewhere or someone  else.”

In weeks to come I will post instalments of these laws of the universe.

They certainly make sense to me. 

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Murphy's Law:

If anything can go wrong, it will. 

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Murphy's Law Corollaries:

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.

If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. 

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 

Everything goes wrong all at once. 

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

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Murphy's Constant: 

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value 

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Firestone's Law of Forecasting: 

Chicken Little only has to be right once. 

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Manly's Maxim: 

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 

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Grizzard's truism: 

The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one of a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog. 

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Cannon's Comment:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. 

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O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy’s Law:

Murphy was an optimist. 

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Scott's Second Law: 

When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place. 

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Finagle's First Law: 

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 

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Finagle's Second Law: 

No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: 

(a) misinterpret it; 

(b) fake it; or

(c) believe it supports his own pet theory. 

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Finagle's Third Law: 

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 

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Finagle's Fourth Law:

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 

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Gumperson's Law: 

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. 

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Rudin's Law: 

In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. 

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Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 

You can't win. 

You can't break even. 

You can't even quit the game.

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The Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: 

Everything takes longer and costs more.

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Ehrman's Commentary:

Things will get worse before they will get better. 

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Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: 

Nothing ever goes away. 

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Howe's Law: 

Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Quote for the Day

Colorized Historical Photographs

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Byter Leo sent me an email captioned ‘Fantastic Black and White Photos Colorized’.

The intro accompanying the email reads as follows:

These 53 colorized photos from the past will blow you away. 

Up until the 1970s, color photography was rare, and so when we think about history prior to that time, we often envision it in black and white. Today's technology now enables us to 'colorize' historical photos, giving us our only chance at seeing what the world really looked like back then. And it was truly spectacular. Take a trip back in time through these photos below. 

It's quite incredible to see Abraham Lincoln and Albert Einstein in living color.

Some of the photos in the collection sent to me have been posted in Bytes before, mostly in black and white. Colourisation adds an immediacy that is not present in black and white.

I will post the photos, including the ones that have been in Bytes in the past, from time to time in groups of 3 or so, with some comments added by me.

Hopefully you will find them as interesting and fascinating as I do.

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1.  Claude Monet, 1923 

Some comments:

• Oscar-Claude Monet (1840 – 1926) was a founder of French Impressionist painting, a 19th century art movement.

• Impressionist painting characteristics include relatively small, thin, yet visible brush strokes, open composition, emphasis on accurate depiction of light in its changing qualities (often accentuating the effects of the passage of time), ordinary subject matter, inclusion of movement as a crucial element of human perception and experience, and unusual visual angles.

• The term "Impressionism" is derived from the title of his painting Impression, soleil levant (Impression, Sunrise), which was exhibited in 1874 in the first of the independent exhibitions mounted by Monet and his associates as an alternative to the Salon de Paris. The name of the art work prompted the critic Louis Leroy to coin the term in a satirical review published in the Parisian newspaper Le Charivari. His article, The Exhibition of the Impressionists, declared that the painting was at most, a sketch.

Claude Monet’s Impression, soleil levant (Impression, Sunrise), 1872,

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2. Brigadier General and actor Jimmy Stewart. 

Stewart flew 20 combat missions over Nazi-occupied Europe, and even flew one mission during Vietnam. 

Some comments:

• James Maitland "Jimmy" Stewart (1908 – 1997) was an American actor, known for his distinctive drawl and down-to-earth persona. He starred in many films that are considered to be classics, and is known for portraying an American middle-class man struggling with a crisis.

• Stewart’s enlistment in March, 1941 made him the first major American movie star to wear a military uniform in World War II. As a bomber pilot, he flew 20 official sorties in highly dangerous conditions, including bombing attacks on Berlin, and continued to fly uncredited missions after having been reassigned. He finished the war a full colonel, one of only a few Americans to rise from private to colonel in 4 years.

• Stewart received two Distinguished Flying Crosses for actions in combat and was awarded the Croix de Guerre. He also received the Air Medal with three oak leaf clusters

Receiving French Croix de Guerre with Palm in 1944

• At the beginning of June 1945, Stewart was the presiding officer of the court-martial of a pilot and navigator who were charged with dereliction of duty for having accidentally bombed the Swiss city of Zurich the previous March—the first instance of U.S. personnel being tried for an attack on a neutral country. The court acquitted the defendants.

• Stewart continued to play a role in the Army Air Forces Reserve following World War II and the new United States Air Force Reserve after the establishment of the Air Force as an independent service in 1947. 

• In 1959, Stewart was promoted to brigadier general. During his active duty periods, he remained current as a pilot of intercontinental bombers of the Strategic Air Command. In 1966, Brigadier General Stewart flew as a non-duty observer in a B-52 on a bombing mission during the Vietnam War. He refused the release of any publicity regarding his participation, as he did not want it treated as a stunt, but as part of his job as an officer in the Air Force Reserve. After 27 years of service, Stewart retired from the Air Force on May 31, 1968

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3. Pablo Picasso 

Some comments:

• Pablo Ruiz y Picasso, also known as Pablo Picasso (1881 – 1973), was a Spanish painter, sculptor, printmaker, ceramicist, stage designer, poet and playwright who spent most of his adult life in France. 

• One of Picasso’s most famous works, Guernica, depicts the bombing and aerial attack on the Basque town of Guernica during the Spanish Civil War. Carried out by the German and Italian airforces at the behest of the Spanish nationalist government, it is one of the first raids on a defenceless civilian population by a modern air force.

• Picasso’s painting depicts the horror and brutality of what had taken place.

• During WW2 he was resident in Paris but unable to show his works because his style did not fit Nazi acceptability. He was often harassed by the Gestapo. During one search of his apartment, an officer saw a photograph of the painting Guernica. "Did you do that?" the German asked Picasso. "No," he replied, "You did".

• The Paul McCartney/Wings song Picasso's Last Words (Drink To Me) was written during a dinner party Paul and Linda McCartney had in Montego Bay, Jamaica with the actor Dustin Hoffman.

       According To McCartney:

On one of our Jamaican holidays we had heard that Dustin Hoffman and Steve McQueen were around, shooting the film Papillon. We were invited to visit the set and Dustin asked us back to his house for dinner. He was asking me how I write songs; I explained that I just make them up. He said, Can you make up a song about anything?' I wasn't sure, but he pulled out a copy of Time, pointed to an article and said, 'Could you write a song about this? It was a quote from Picasso, from the last night of his life. Apparently, he had said to his friends, 'Drink to me, drink to my health, you know I can't drink anymore,' and then gone to bed and died in his sleep. So I picked up a guitar, started to strum and sing 'Drink to me, drink to my health...', and Dustin was shouting to his wife, 'He's doing it! He's doing it! Come and listen!' It's something that comes naturally to me but he was blown away by it. And that song became Picasso’s Last Words.

Quote for the Day

“You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.”

- Indira Gandhi (1917-1984)

Indira Priyadarshini was a key 20th century stateswoman, the first female Prime Minister of India and central figure of the Indian National Congress party. Indira Gandhi, who served from 1966 to 1977 and then again from 1980 until her assassination in 1984, is the second-longest-serving Prime Minister of India and the only woman to hold the office.

Funny Friday

Last night I went to the local Indian with a couple of mates.  We all found the food excellent so that’s as good a reason as any to select today’s Funny Friday theme: Indian food.

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A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.

"Waiter, what's this Chicken Tarka?"

The waiter replies, "it's the same as Chicken Tikka, but it's a little 'Otter."

* * * * * * * * * *

I didn’t understand the above joke until I looked into it and found that Tarka is the name of an Otter in a book.

From Wikipedia:

Tarka the Otter: His Joyful Water-Life and Death in the Country of the Two Rivers is a highly influential novel by Henry Williamson, first published in 1927 by G.P. Putnam's Sons with an introduction by the Hon. Sir John Fortescue. It won the Hawthornden Prize in 1928 and remains Willamson's best-known and most popular work, having never been out of print since first publication.  

As its title suggests, the novel describes the life of an otter, along with a detailed observation of its habitat in the country of the River Taw and River Torridge in North Devon (the "Two Rivers"); the name "Tarka" is said by Williamson to mean "Wandering as Water" (p. 10). 

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I brought a date to my place last night.

I said, "I hope you like Indian food."

Surprised, she giggled, "Bit of a chef, are we?"

"No," I replied, "I got a take away last night and it's still under the bed."

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I'd jokingly told my wife that I wanted a Lamborghini for my birthday.

When I got back from work on the big day, all I could smell was Indian food.

"I couldn't find a Lamb Borghini", she said,"... so I hope a Lamb Bhuna is OK.."

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I called the local Indian to get some food delivered.

"Mixed pakora, lamb vindaloo with fried rice and two naan breads."

"That'll take about 45 minutes, sir," said the guy.

"Listen, mate," I said, "just you make sure it's here in five minutes and I'll decide myself how fast I eat."

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I've decided to name my new curry "Frodo".

It destroys the ring in a fiery inferno after 10 painful hours.

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I went for an Indian last night. The waiter came over and said, "Curry okay?"

I replied, "Go on then, one song then you can fuck off."

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Gallery:

Corn Corner:

My girlfriend left me because I make too many bad puns and eat too much Indian food.

I guess I goat curry'd away...

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A member of Patrick Swayze's family has admitted to the murder of the family’s Indian chef. Allegedly, the chef was going to put Swayze's ashes into a mild curry. A family member said the chef had been killed because, "Nobody puts Swayze in a korma."