I will say from the outset that today’s Funny Friday comes with a caution that there is a bit of risqué material included, so proceed from here at your own risk. But it is funny, or so thinks moi.
And especially to Noel, who has a wicked sense of humour, enjoy.
Gross out joke:
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili. The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
I have previously posted the following joke, but what is funny about it this time is that I came across it again on a website where the reader comments made me laugh. Here is the joke and some of the comments:
A skinny little white guy gets off work and walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
How does one go about weighing his testicles? Is this a thing?
You weigh your whole body, then you chop off your testicles and weigh your whole body again. The difference is the weight of the testicles.
It’s easier if you remove 1 testicle, find it’s volume, multiply it by the density of a testicle, then multiply by 2
But my testicles aren't the same size
+ or - 5% of weight
I just call them hefty and lefty.
Mine are Leftington, Rightford, and Keith.
Or righty and lighty
My two are identical, the third’s a bit larger.
Chop off one testicle, weigh it, chop of the 2nd testicle, weigh it, add the two weights together, divide by two, this is your average testicle weight.
Double that and you'll have the total weight of your testicles
No dumb ass you just weigh yourself, then cup your balls in your hands and hold them were they aren’t being affected by gravity and weigh again.
Just plop them down on some electronic scales. Like what you'd do with breasts.
You can’t see the NUMBERS
Fill a large cup with water. Weigh an empty bowl. Place the cup into the bowl. Standing astride the cup and bowl immerse your testicles in the cup. Remove the cup and weigh the bowl. The difference in weight of the bowl is the weight of the water that overflowed from the cup. The density of human organs is similar to that of water. Therefore the weight of the water that overflowed the cup is similar to weight of your testicles. No cutting required.
Goodness what a bunch of geeks. If you have a gf its easy, just stand on a scale then ask her to lift 'em up and see how much the dial changes.
Is nobody going to comment on the hose supposedly in this man's pants?
Wait, you don't have a 20 inch penis?
Yeah, add a mere 20% to the average man's height, and quadruple the average penis length? Sounds about right.
20 inches is average
At the risk of lowering the tone of this Funny Friday even further, the above joke reminded me of a similar one:
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."\
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”
He sighed, “. . . let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
Thanks to Vince C, who a couple of days ago reminded me of the following joke . . .
Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask.
Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: "Will there ever be married Catholic priests?"
God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time."
Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: "What about female priests then, will we have that one day?"
Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: "Not in your life-time, I'm afraid."
Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: "Will there ever be another Polish pope?"
God answered quickly and with a firm voice: "Not in my life-time."
I have a friend whose band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7.00 but I'm pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go home.
My wife spilled her red hair colouring all over the bathroom...
It looked like somebody dyed in there...
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.
I MEANT LADDER.