Funny Friday

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Friday again folks, time for some jokes, japes and jests.

Enjoy the weekend and enjoy the funnies.

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This item has been posted before in a different version, but this one is just as good.  Here is the newer version:

The Lord of the manor was preparing to retire for the night and he asks his butler Woolum to run a bath for him. Woolum returns ten minutes later and tells him his bath is ready. His Lordship thanks him and tells him he'll call for him if he needs anything. So he gets himself settled in the bath then lifts one cheek and let's out an enormous fart. A couple of minutes later Woolum knocks and enters the bathroom with a bottle of water. Looking slightly puzzled, his Lordship says "What are you doing, Woolum? I didn't ask for anything,” to which Woolum replied "Yes you did, sir, you said ‘whataboutawaterbottlewoolum’ “.

Here is the prior version:

Lord Henry lived alone in his manor with his faithful manservant, James.

His lordship had a regular daily routine which included James assisting his lordship with his bath. Once his lordship was in his bath, it was James’ duty to fetch Lord Henry a brandy.

One day his lordship was feeling drowsy in his bath and began drifting off to sleep, just as James was about to leave to get Lord Henry his daily brandy. As James was turning the handle on the door, his lordship broke wind. James paused, looked at his lordship and left.

Some time later James came back, carrying a silver tray with the glass of brandy, a jar of Bovril, a cheap fob watch and a hot water bottle.

“What’s all this?” asked his lordship.

“The things you asked for, m’lord,” said James.

“You must be daft, my good man,” said his lordship, “I asked for nothing of the sort.”

“I’m sorry, your lordship,” replied James, “I could have sworn that as I was leaving I heard you ask for a fourbobfob watch, hotwaterbottle and bottleofBovril.”

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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A ticket collector on a train approaches an Indian couple. He says " Tickets please" quietly as the lady is asleep . Her husband says "My wife has the tickets, hang on." He pulls out a small remote control and points it at his wife’s head, causing her to wake up . The ticket collector is stunned.  The Indian man says "You see the red dot on her forehead?  Infra red standby."

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Police are investigating a break in last night at the clubhouse of the Gold Coast Titans National Rugby League team. Thieves have escaped with the entire contents of the trophy room. They confirm that they are looking for two men in a white van containing a large blue and red carpet.

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I’ve just been reminded by Reverend Spooner that the cocks go black tonight.

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At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ...."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ...."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

"Ernesto, if you broke that fucking driver, you're in deep shit."

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Corn Corner:

My brother plays football for a team called the Musketeers.

They started the season well..with three wins and a draw..

all 4-1 and one 4-all....

I started a micro-electronics business last year.

I've been so successful that I'm now looking for smaller premises.

In history I was learning about Galileo.

I already knew that he was a poor boy, from a poor family.

I found a rocket salad in the fridge. I thought i better use it before it goes off.