Friday, November 1, 2019

Funny Friday



Some jokes . . . 

A man sits in a bar with a very nice watch.

Suddenly a woman comes to him and says: "You really have a nice watch!"

"Yes, it is." He says. "I can watch TV on it, surf the internet, there's a dedicated dictionary on it, I can phone with it and I can see that you are not wearing any underwear."

The woman looks at him puzzled and says: "But I do have underwear on."

The man replies: "Oh damn, my watch is one hour ahead again!"

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

A woman in labour suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

My 7 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in our back garden.
25 years growing that tree and now he says he doesn't want it anymore... Ungrateful bastard.


Limerick of the Week . . .

There was a young monk of Dundee
Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
        He said, "Pax vobiscum,
        Now why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."


From the Vault . . .

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch...
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."


Gallery . . .


Corn Corner:

I'll never use that dictionary again...
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.
What a legend.

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