On this Funny Friday, which is Black Friday in the US, the day after their Thanksgiving Day, let’s take a moment to also give thanks . . . to some of society’s unappreciated and unacknowledged heroes of our calamitous times. I speak of our accountants, Bruce R (an accountant) having taken me to task during the week for not including them in the quote about the valued members of our stressful times. So today Funny Friday pays some attention to accountants . . .
A caution: some risqué language ahead.
Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It’s 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait – 13 seconds, no wait – 14 seconds, no wait……
What is the definition of “accountant”? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.
“Oh my God!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”
“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”
How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say? “Darling, could you tell me about your work.”
Okay, enough I hope you now feel appreciated, Bruce.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood, walked to the podium and said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath..
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
FROM THE VAULT:
I have previously posted the classic wooden eye/big nose joke but I recently came across a cruder version that, in my opinion, is funnier because of its more cruel response. Here it is . . .
Billy was born with one of his eyes missing, so the doctor replaced it with a wooden eye, the only one that he was able to afford. All of his friends teased him and gave him hell growing up. He was always afraid of girls because they also made fun of him.
One night, Billy was at a bar, when a woman with a vertical mouth approached him. They talked for a while and had a few drinks, when Billy decided that this girl may have a vertical mouth, but she's cool and doesn't seem to mind his wooden eye. So he says to her, "Would you like to go out with me some time?"
She replies “Wouldn’ I?”
Billy replies, "Don’t call me wooden eye, cunt face !"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A musical student from Sparta
Was truly a magnificent farter.
With the strength of one bean
He'd fart 'God save the Queen'
And Beethoven’s 'Moonlight Sonata'.
In fairness to accountant Bruce R, here is an item about lawyers, dating from the days when people still used landlines with round dials . . .
Bono and Edge walk into the bar and the barman says,
"Oh No, not U2 again.
You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...
shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.