FUNNY FRIDAY

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You're right, today is Saturday, so why is Funny Friday appearing today? Because with the current lockdown here in Sydney, I lost track of my days and overlooked it.

Better late than never, here is Funny Friday . . . 

A caution: risqué content and language follows.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective.

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel.

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

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When Chuck Norris updates Windows . . . 

. . . Microsoft accepts his terms and conditions

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I agree, those previous three should have been in Corn Corner.

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How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

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In a few years, when you rummage through your old clothes and find a used mask in a pocket, you will smile . . .

. . . from behind your hazmat suit's visor.

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FROM THE VAULT:

A Texan variation on a Jewish joke posted in the past . . .

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ' Notice anything different about me'?

Margaret looked him over. "Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ' Notice anything different NOW'?

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

Nope', she replied.

‘IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!!’

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ' Shoulda bought a hat Bert, shoulda bought a hat.

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Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.

They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A young woman got married at Chester.

Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.

Says she, "You're in luck,

He's a stunning good fuck.

For I've had himself myself down in Leicester.

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GALLERY:

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Introducing a new category for Funny Friday . . . 

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CORN CORNER:

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I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then someone hit me with a dictionary.

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My mum is an anti vaxxer...

Calls herself Mrs DoubtPfizer.

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By revealing the punchline first

How do you ruin a good joke?

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What is two times more disgusting than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple

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