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As lockdown continues for us here and looks like again being extended, here is another jab of jokes, japes and jocularity; a shot of smiles, snorts and snickers; a chill pill of chuckles and chortles . . . FF won’t allow you to leave your home but it will act as an anaesthetic for a few minutes. So enjoy an escape from reality for a period, dear readers, with this week’s jokes, which are mostly long ones . . .
Caution: risque content follows.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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One from Russia . . .
by the way, the Federal Security Service (FSB) replaced the KGB in 1991.
A Russian man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.
They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Putin. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:
"Comrades, you shouldn't joke like that here. Every room is bugged, you know..."
"Nonsense! Who would listen to us?"
"Well, let me show you."
The man walks up to a socket and says into it: "Comrade major, can I have a cup of tea please?"
Sure enough, the staff member soon enters with a cup of tea.
"See, told you."
The three men are pale and quiet for the entire night, so the tired man finally gets some good sleep.
He wakes up the next morning alone. He walks downstairs and asks the receptionist about the fate of the three men.
"At 3 in the morning the FSB ame and arreted them. Comrade major also said that he liked your little trick, but warned you to be careful next time."
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How about this . . . an Olympics joke that incorporates the FSB as well . . .
An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.
“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".
"You Englishmen" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest pleasure in life is going on holiday without your wife, and meeting a beautiful girl with whom you have a passionate love affair before returning home back to work".
"You are both wrong" scoffs the Russian. "The greatest pleasure in life is when you are sleeping at home and the FSB breaks your door down at 3.00am, bursts into your room and says 'Ivan Ivanovich, you are under arrest' and you can reply 'Sorry tovarisch, Ivan Ivanovich lives next door'".
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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
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Also in homage to the Tokyo Olympics . . .
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."
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The following item was sent to me by son Thomas (thanks amigo), a tweet by legal journalist Karen Sweeney. The twitter link is at:
Her article, which recounts the story as well, is dated August 3, 2021 and can be read at:
LAW & LAWYERS
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
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There was a young bride of Antigua,
Whose husband said: "Dear, how big you are!"
Said the girl: "What damn'd rot,
Why, you've oft felt my twot,
My legs and my arse and my figua!"
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GALLERY:
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As my son pointed out to me, the judge did not at all appear concerned at the content of what was said, only that the microphone had been unmuted,
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young bride of Antigua,
Whose husband said: "Dear, how big you are!"
Said the girl: "What damn'd rot,
Why, you've oft felt my twat,
My legs and my arse and my figua!"
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GALLERY:
Sent to me by Rosie J and Leo M, thanks Rosie and Leo . . .
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CORN CORNER:
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A soldier finds a woman at the side of the road crying, and she tells him she’s left her keys in her car. The soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
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Okay, it’s not PC but dammit, it is funny. It also helps if you visualise Chico Marx telling it . . .
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '
‘Eacha da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One ‘undred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree.
So now you gotta dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
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