It was my wedding anniversary 2 days ago but it's hard to buy a gift when in lockdown. As a surprise for Kate I ordered a fancy gourmet food hamper with all sorts of top of the range delicacies, plus I asked for a bottle of wine to be added. Yesterday morning the package was delivered and left on the front doorstep, with the wine bottle smashed and the wine leaked over all. Fortunately everything other than the bottle was sealed so was not contaminated. When I contacted the supplier they very nicely said that they would immediately send a replacement. I said that I would give the the rest to the delivery person when the replacement was delivered but they said to keep it with their compliments. How is that for great when in lockdown.
Anyway, I have put a couple of anniversary items in the following collection but, as always, there is a caution of risqué content ahead.
Enjoy and stay safe, readers . . .
A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice. The waiter, who is smiling, nods and says “Ah, yes, flied lice.”
The Greek man thought this was hilarious and he ordered fried rice whenever he came in just to hear the waiter say, “flied lice”. He would always laugh loudly after hearing the poor waiter's mispronunciation. He started bringing his friends in so that they could hear the waiter, and laugh with him, and eventually the waiter realised he was the butt of their laughter.
The waiter was angry, so using some of his savings, he enrolled in a course on public speaking and language, and he learned how to correctly say ‘fried rice’.
One day, the Greek man arrived with several of his mates, and of course, they all ordered fried rice. The waiter said ‘Ah, yes, fr-r-ried r-r-rice.”
And as the Greek man sat there, stunned, the waiter cried out in triumph, “How you like that, you Gleek plick?”
Imagine this in a strong French accent . . .
An American husband and wife are visiting a small town in France for their anniversary.
They decide to get brunch at a cute little cafe near their hotel.
After being seated and deliberating the short menu, the waiter arrives and asks in a thick French accent, "Allo, ca va?"
The man stops him, "Ah, sorry, we don't speak French. Do you--"
"--Ah, oui, not a problem. I speak enough English."
The man, relieved, "Wonderful. Friendly little cafe you've got here."
"Oui, eet is quite nice. We are always 'appy to serve Morons. Now, what can I get for you?"
Taken aback, the man replies, "I'm sorry... Did you just call us Morons?..."
"Ah, apologies! Eet is a local vernacular. Ze local children refer to tourists as 'Les Morons'."
The man is astonished, "Do you think the local children might just be insulting tourists...?"
After a pause, a look of grave realisation washes over the waiter's face. "Oh, my... I am so sorry, I do not know what to say. Please, let me bring you brunch, no charge. Again, I cannot express--"
"--No problem. Mistakes happen." The man says amusedly. "I'll have an espresso and a croissant."
"Wonderful choice, monsieur." The waiter says, smiling. He turns to the woman, "And for ze Cunt?"
A frustrated wife goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, physically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be something you can do to help me..."
"Well, it's not very ethical, but there's this experimental drug we need to test" the doctor takes a vial from a drawer "this is a very potent aphrodisiac. Just one drop in a glass of water is enough to awaken the libido of a dying man. When you feel it's a special night and you want to have sex with your husband, try and pour one drop in his glass, and I can guarantee that you will see a new life in him"
"Oh thank you doctor, thank you so much. Tomorrow is our anniversary, what better night to try it out?"
Two days pass. The morning after the fated night, the woman goes back to the doctor. She appears disheveled, barely being able to walk.
"Wh-what happened?" asks the doctor, visibly worried
"Oh, doctor, I feel so sad... Yesterday, while we were having dinner, I waited for him to go to the toilet and, as you suggested, I hastily poured one drop of the drug in his water glass. But then I thought: what if this is not enough? It's been a LONG time since he's shown any passion towards me. So I poured another drop."
"Wait, two drops?? But it's dangerous, we don't know what can happen if more than one drop is used!"
"But then I felt so insecure, what if he doesn't like my body anymore? Is two drops really enough? I panicked, and I emptied the whole vial in the glass of water."
"You did what???”
"He came back from the toilet, sat down and took a good sip from the glass. He froze, eyes wide. The glass fell from his hand. He stared at me like a predator stares at its prey. Then it happened. He violently threw away everything that was on the table, snorting and roaring. Grabbed me, slammed me on the bare table, tore off my clothes as well as his and proceeded to have his way with me, making animal sounds I had never heard him make."
"I'm so sorry for you, it must have been terrible"
"Oh no, doctor. It was the best sex I've ever had in 30 years of marriage. I orgasmed multiple times in a matter of minutes, I saw a rough, untamed side of my husband that I thought didn't exist."
"Wait, you enjoyed it? Then why did you say you were sad?"
"Well, it was our favourite restaurant, I doubt we'll be able to show our faces there again . . . "
A group of old friends made an arrangement to meet each 10 years for an anniversary reunion lunch and get together.
They were all aged about 40 and discussed where they should meet.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!"
This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"
"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
You'll have to work this one out. I had to . . .
There once was a boring young Rev.
Who preached till it seemed he would nev.
His hearers, en masse,
Got a pain in the ass
And prayed for relief of their neth.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the “no-bell” prize.
A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"
A redneck in the back of the class stood up from his seat and said, "I reckon that would be giddy up, mister."
How did communists light their homes before candles?
Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."
World's Worst Therapist: "I see."