When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my arse but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off. ....Dad beat my arse again.
US joke . . .
My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell. ..
...upon further reflection, I may own misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.
Why are murders in Tasmania so hard to solve?
Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.
Italian joke, US spelling:
These two Italian brothers own a garage. They hire this Korean guy as a mechanic.
One morning the brothers go to open the garage and they find the Korean guy dead in the alley. They call the police.
Cop: What was his full name?
Tony: I don't know. We called him Park.
Cop: Just Park?
Cop: Where did he live?
Vincent: I don't know.
Cop: Did he have any family or friends?
Both brothers shake their heads and say they don't know.
Cop: So let me get this straight. This guy works for you. You don't know his full name, where he lives, or anything about him? You must know something about him.
The brothers think... finally....
Tony: Oh yeah! Yeah! Remember? He had two assholes!
Vincent: That's right! He had two assholes. I forgot about that.
Cop: You gotta be kidding me. You don't know jack about this guy but you know he has two assholes? How would you know that?
Vincent: We go to lunch with him at the diner across the street every day. And the waitresses there would always say, "Here comes that Korean guy with the two assholes."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community... If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
The following limerick has been posted before but came up in a discussion yesterday, a good enough reason to post it again. Limericks are like favourite movies, songs and books, they can be repeated, rewatched and reread without becoming stale.
There was a young lady from Kew,
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew,
"Oh, the vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you."
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"This must be our final adieu,
For the vicar is slicker,
And thicker, and quicker,
And two inches longer than you."
A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy."
Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver.
Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.
Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.
My wifi password is 2444666668888888
Just to clarify, it’s: one two three four five six seven eight