Welcome to another fabulous Friday of frivolity and fun, Byters.
Think of this as an entrée for the main meal, the weekend.
Oh, one final comment: risqué content ahead.
If I become Pope, the first thing I will do is shit in the woods.
(Okay, I didn’t get it either till I read the explanation: It's a play on the intentionally mismatched saying "Does the pope shit in the woods?" This saying is a combination of "Does a bear shit in the woods?" and "Is the pope Catholic?" Both of these sayings are humorous ways to answer a question with "Yes, obviously!")
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care!
So Siri tells me there’s a blizzard on the way, to which I say “Surely you can’t be serious” and she replies “I am serious and don’t call me Shirley”
I must have left my phone in airplane mode
(US joke with US mph and highway designations but worth posting)
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! " So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:
"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"
After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks:
"Have you witnessed the blue moon light up the darkest depths of the ocean?"
"Yes, master!" said the disciple enthusiastically.
"Have you witnessed the wind mercilessly slash at the unfaltering tree, only to help it grow more resilient?"
"And have you witnessed the chilling water break against an immovable stone, seemingly accomplishing nothing?"
After another brief silence, the wise master slowly opens his eyes and exhales: "Well there's your problem... You keep fucking around instead of training!"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There once was a sculptor named Phidias
Whose manners in art were invidious:
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie
Which startled the ultrafastidious.
How to determine the gender of your cat ?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes Y." The priest then turned to her and asked...
And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"