FUNNY FRIDAY

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After my recent problems and battles with the internet and the blog site, it seems appropriate that the internet is this week’s theme.

Enjoy readers.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

(I remember those days. Otto)

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Parents to me in 1997: Don’t trust anyone on the internet

Me to parents in 2025: Don’t trust anyone on the internet

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My ex told me she wants to get back together again.

I have to be the luckiest man in the world.

First I win the lottery and now this.

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I was curious as what my parents did for fun before the internet…

I asked my 23 siblings and they didn’t know either.

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I got a new stick deodorant. The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom.”

I can barely walk, but when I break wind, the room smells lovely!

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A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “Can I get some deodorant please?” “Aerosol or ball?”

“Nah, for under the armpits.”

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You can never trust the internet

All the websites offer me cookies but I never receive any of them

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Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

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Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

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A man from the city bought himself a farm.

On his first day at the farm he was walking his acres, discovering the creeks, hills and other features when he came upon a large hole in the ground. He looked inside but he could see only blackness. He picked up a small stone and dropped it into the hole, waiting to hear it strike the bottom to ascertain its depth, but he heard nothing.

He then dropped in a larger stone, with his ear held over the hole, but again he heard nothing.

Looking around he noticed a railway sleeper. With some effort he managed to push it into the hole. As he waited to hear the sound of it striking the bottom, a goat ran out from some nearby bushes and charged straight at him. He managed to get out of its way at the last moment but the goat continued straight on, into the hole.

A short while later a man came by and said to him “’Scuse me, mate, but you haven’t seen a goat around here anywhere, have you?”

”Well, as a matter of fact I have,” he replied. “A goat came out of those bushes, charged at me and dived into this hole.”

“That wouldn’t be my goat, mate,” he replied, “mine’s tied to a railway sleeper.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Previously posted but worth a re-post for the excellent rhyming:

To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,

"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?

Has your east tit the least bit

The best of your west tit,

Or is it a trick of perspective?"

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GALLERY:

From Leo, thanks L:

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RELIGION:

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him resting on the seventh day and inquired, 'Where have you been?'

God smiled and pointed down through the clouds.

‘Look, Michael. Look what I've made. It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance.'

‘Balance?' answered Michael. ‘I'm confused.'

God pointed to different parts of earth.

‘For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of pale-skinned people and over there is a continent of dark-skinned people. Balance in all things.'

God continued pointing to different countries.

‘This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?'

'That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, mostly intelligent, humorous and they are going to travel the world.’

‘They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving and known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace and producers of software,’ God explained.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, then asked, 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'

God smiled. ‘There is another Washington, and wait until you see the idiots I put there!’

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CORN CORNER:

How do you get Dick from Richard?

You buy him a drink first.

Btw

The answer is that rhyming nicknames were popular in medieval times. Because everything was written out by hand, names were often shortened on paper, so Richard became Ric, Rick, or Rich. The fad for rhyming nicknames gave rise to Dick, Hick, and Hitch. Of those, only Dick survived. Similar examples include Rob and Bob for Robert or Will and Bill for William

In the 12th and 13th centuries everything was written by hand and Richard nicknames like Rich and Rick were common just to save time. Rhyming nicknames were also common and eventually Rick gave way to Dick and Hick, while Rich became Hitch. Dick, of course, is the only rhyming nickname that stuck over time.

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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks tell them it's 12345678

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