FUNNY FRIDAY

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My father in law’s house in Canberra was sold at auction last Saturday so you don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to work put what today’s theme is: auctions.

Enjoy.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

Speaking of Sherlock Holmes, here are some entree items . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are strolling through London when, out of nowhere, a cat leaps onto Watson and pees on him.

"Oh, bloody hell!" Watson exclaims. "My coat is ruined!"

"You'll have to take it up with the owner," Sherlock replies calmly.

"But I haven’t the slightest idea who the owner is!"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. You are both pissed on and pissed off at the same time, so it must be Schrödinger's cat."

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are strolling through London when, out of nowhere, a child runs up and kicks Dr. Watson hard in the shin and takes off.

After recoiling in pain, Dr. Watson asks, “Did you see which way he went?”

Sherlock nods. “Toward the school.”

“Which school?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson.”

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Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "No sheet Sherlock."

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A man went to an auction and bid on an exotic parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid. So he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than originally intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his.

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it if it can't."

"Don't worry" reassured the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?".

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This one is quite risqué, proceed only if not likely to be offended.

A wife dreamed of being at an auction of willies.

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off willies. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vag’s. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for ones like mine?

Husband : "That's where they were holding the auction."

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Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his dad.

He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes Little Johnny asks, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father says, "I have to make sure that he's healthy and in good shape before I buy him."

And Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think the mailman wants to buy Mum."

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What do you call a collection of auctioners?

A Lot

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Last week I attended a silent auction.

I won a dog whistle and two mimes.

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A man and his wife went to a livestock auction and looked at a farmer's selection of breeding bulls

The first pen had a sign that read: This bull mated 50 times last year.

The man's wife playfully nudged him and said, "Wow, that's almost once per week!"

They walked to the second pen, which had a sign that read: This bull mated 150 times last year.

The man's wife jabbed him a bit harder and said with a smirk, "Goodness, that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen, which had a sign that read: This bull mated 365 times last year.

The man's wife aggressively elbowed him in the ribs and exclaimed, "That's once a day! You could really learn something from this one."

Annoyed, the man turned to his wife and said, "Go over and ask the farmer if every time was with the same old cow."

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I got addicted to auctions after only going once.

Going twice...

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'FUCK OFF!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

I have previously posted the next two gherkin limericks but my reason in posting is that the third is my own . . .

A funny young fellow named Perkins

Was terribly fond of small gherkins.

One day after tea

He ate ninety three

And pickled his internal workings.

The next uses gherkins as part of the rhyme scheme which, unlike the traditional A A B B A rhyme pattern of limericks, uses A A A A A, plus has internal rhymes.  That’s some impressive workin’.

There once was a young lad named Perkin

Who was always jerkin his gherkin.

His father said “Perkin,

Stop jerkin your gherkin,

Your gherkin's for ferkin, not jerkin!”

And by moi . . .

A transgender fellow named Perkin

Was upset at having a gherkin.

He saved for his op,

Pending having the chop

He hid it with the aid of a merkin.

BTW:

A merkin is a pubic wig worn by women or men for various reasons, such as hygiene, disease, or filmmaking. The origin of the pubic wig dates back to the 1450s. Women would shave their pubic hair for personal hygiene and to combat pubic lice. They would then put on a merkin. Also, sex workers would wear a merkin to cover up signs of disease, such as syphilis.

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CORN CORNER:

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Scientists are carefully studying the effect of cannabis on as many small seabirds as they can.

They're leaving no tern unstoned.

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What dinosaur gets things done right away?

The Pronto-saurus.

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I took my 8 year-old daughter to the office on 'Take your daughter to work day'

But when we walked in the office she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you work with."

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