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It’s been quite cold here at night, so here are some phrases that may help describe it in general conversation . . .
(Caution: risque content ahead).
As cold as a witch’s kiss.
As cold as a witch’s tit.
As cold as a tomb.
As cold as a polar bear’s arse.
As cold as a corpse.
Colder than the underside of a penguin’s ballsack.
Colder than father’s heart when he left for cigarettes and never came back
Colder than a cast iron toilet seat.
Colder than a mother-in-law’s kiss.
Colder than my ex-wife’s heart.
Colder than a banker’s smile.
Colder than a banker's heart on foreclosure day at the widows' and orphans' home.
Colder than a snowman’s fart.
Colder than a steak in the back of the freezer.
Colder than a Viking’s dick.
Colder than the heart of a landlord.
Colder than a tax-collector’s heart.
Colder than Santa’s jockstrap.
Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
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. . . and a couple of brief items of humour about cold . . .
Justice is best served cold, because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Twenty years from now, kids are going to think 'Baby it's cold outside' is really weird and we're going to have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside.
It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen. Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.
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. . . plus one longer one (posted in Bytes previously) . . .
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
(The Leafs are a Canadiian ice hockey team, The Toronto Maple Leafs.)
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