Friday, March 21, 2014

Funny Friday



The above card was in my home letter box this week. It started me wondering: How does Mr Farouk get rid of the "bad evil spirits" from you and your home? Does he splash Holy Water and say "The power of Christ compels you"?  And why does an international clairvoyant need to letter box everyone? Isn't that a contradiction?

So guess what the theme today is?

You got it! My God, you must be psychic!

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My wife came home after visiting a psychic.

"I've got some bad news," she said, "the psychic told me that someone real close to me will die very soon."

"Really?" I panicked, "did she say anything else?"

"Yes, she told me that the person that's going to die loves me very much," she replied. 

"Oh thank god for that," I laughed, "for a second there I thought you were talking about me."

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I went to see a psychic that a friend had recommended to try and contact my grandfather.

We both sat at the table and after a few minutes the psychic's eyelids started fluttering and she began to moan.

Eventually a voice says, ' Grandson are you there. '

' Yes I'm here, ' I replied, ' is it really you Grandad. '

' Yes, its really me, ' said the voice.

' Can I ask you a question Grandad, ' I said.

' Of course, anything you like, 'said the voice.

' When did you learn to speak English, ' I asked.

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I went to see a clairvoyant yesterday, a big fat woman smiled and said,

"Take a seat."

"I'm sorry" I replied "I think I'm in the wrong room, I've come to see the clairvoyant."

"Yes, that's me." she smiled.

"Well it says 'medium Debbie' on the door, but you're fucking massive."

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Welcome to the first day of psychic class; your final grades have been posted.

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My mate came up to me the other day and asked,"John, is it true you've been having precognitive visions?" And I thought, I can see where this is going...

I couldn't believe the psychic read my mind so accurately!

He said "You're thinking this is a load of shit, aren't you?"

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I went to see a medium last night.

He said, "I've got a man in the room, he has a big belly, a receding hairline and quite an ugly face."

"Sorry," I replied, "I don't know anybody like that."

"Hang on a minute," he said, looking into my eyes, "I'm on the phone mate."

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A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.

"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning." 

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Corn Corner:

I read in the paper the other day how a clairvoyant midget escaped from prison.

The headline said 'Small Medium at Large'.


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