Friday, July 17, 2015

Funny Friday

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Another Funny Friday but this time there's something different: a corn overload. Byter Graham sent me some corn which I post below, some are repeats but, like old movies and good books, are worth experiencing more than once.

To soften the hit, there are a couple of less corny ones as entrees.

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Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then, mate."

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So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?

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What did the green grape say to the purple grape???

Breathe godammit! BREATHE!!!!

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I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.

I wonder what the fuck she saw in that thing.

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My wife just called me.

She said, "The two kids want you to take them bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema."

"It's either one or the other," I said, "otherwise it's too expensive."

"Okay," she replied. "Which one do you prefer?"

I said, "David."

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Corn Corner:

Fred Astaire, who was going to dance in the Ritz ballroom, had to walk through the restaurant to get there and tripped over the dessert trolley.

Thankfully, he regained his composure and managed to dance with pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails.

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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 

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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank -proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. 

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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

(I am guessing that Ahmal is pronounced "Ah-Maul".  Otto).

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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so. Thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what? 

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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If there is anyone left out there, have a good weekend.


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