Friday, July 24, 2015

Funny Friday

Caution: risque language in some of the items below.

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I asked Kate what the theme for Funny Friday should be today and she responded "Kids". So here we go.

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I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"


"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that fucking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy.

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My 10 year old son said, "Dad, I know something really funny! One skin, two skin, three skin ...foreskin! haha!"

I said, "Well done son, I'm proud of you. I know a better one though. One play, two play, three play were adopted."

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A young boy and a young girl are comparing 'down there'. They boy tells the girl that he is better than her because he has one and she doesn’t. She is upset at that and runs home crying.

A little while later she comes back skipping and jolly. She says to the boy “I told my mummy what you said. She said not to worry.” Pointing to her own nether regions, she continues “Mummy said that with one of these, when I am older, I can get as many of those as I want.”

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A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" he asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the boy.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo."

The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

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A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." 

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

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The teacher is standing in front of the class and she calls out to Jimmy to stand up and tell everyone what his father does for a living. 
Jimmy stands up and says 'My father is a lawyer'. 
'That's very good' says the teacher. 'What about you Jenny?'. 
Jenny stands up and says 'My father is a doctor'. 
'That's very good' says the teacher 'What about you Johnny?' 
Johnny stands up and says 'My father doesn't do anything for a living, he’s dead'. 
'Oh dear', says the teacher. 'What did he do before he died?' 
To which Johnny replies 'He went Uuuuuurrrrrggghhhhhh'.

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On a related topical theme of kids and Bronwyn Bishop . . .

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A couple of bonus Bronwyn Bishopisms (for overseas readers, Bronwyn Bishop is Speaker of the House of Representatives.  She has been taking flak for using a $5,000 chartered helicopter to travel a short distance that could easily have been done by her Commonwealth car and driver.

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Corn Corner:

(The following may be too good for Corn Corner, I apologise if it is).

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 

"Eight," the boy replied. 

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" 

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

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