The Fridays seem to come around quicker these days and it will be Christmas before we know it.
Today, some Jewish humour, just because I like Jewish jokes . . .
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the foetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
(A repost but topical with US Presidential election coming up . . . )
The first Jewish President is elected.
He calls his mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."
"But I only eat kosher food."
"Mama, I am going to be the President, I can get you kosher food."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come Mama."
"Ok Ok, if it makes you happy."
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right.
"You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor!"
A Jewish mother is with her son at the beach, a son of whom she is very proud as he recently passed his medical exams. Within minutes of entering the sea for a swim he gets pulled under by a huge wave.
Trying to get someone to come to his assistance, she screams, "HELP! HELP! My son the doctor is drowning!"
Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded doctor's surgery. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," Morris says aloud.
The receptionist was quite shocked at his reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk that way."
"Why not?" said Morris, "you asked me what was wrong and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "But you've caused some embarrassment – this room is full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the real problem with the doctor in private."
So Morris walked out, waited several minutes and came in again.
The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," Morris replied.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," Morris replied.
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
A man started to tell a joke at a party: "Two old Jews were on their way..."
Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.
"Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," apologized the story teller, "I'll start again.
Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi..."
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
It is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.